Washington D.C.—
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced she’s launching a new impeachment investigation into President Donald Trump’s terrible spelling and often incorrect usage of grammar.
“The President’s greatest crime against his office is his horrible tweeting rife with misspelled words, unnecessary capitalization, and laughable grammar. I am directing Adam Schiff to begin scheduling the investigative proceedings immediately, so the President can be held accountable for his egregious abuses of the English language.”
House Republicans pushed back against the claims that the President was an idiot, and Trump himself insisted that all his tweets were “perfect” tweets.
“It’s fake news that I have ever misspelled a word ever,” said the President in a brief press conference beside his Marine One helicopter. “Back at Wharton I was one of the best spellers, maybe of all time. I was tremendous, and everyone was talking about it back then. It was unbelievable how many people asked me how I could spell so well. You wouldn’t believe it. Even the Indians couldn’t believe it, and they take spelling very seriously. If you look at the Wharton records, I won the annual spelling bee every year I was there. But the records are being audited by the IRS, so I can’t disclose them until the audit is over. I’d love to release those spelling bee records, trust me, they’re so much better than anyone would believe, but if anyone at Wharton releases them I will sue them for $5 billion. But, trust me, it would blow your mind if you knew how many words I could spell.”
Representative Jim Jordan was particularly vocal about his endorsement of the President’s spelling capabilities.
“No word has ever come to me in confidence and told me it was being misspelled by the President,” said Jordan in an interview with CNN this morning. “But if a word had told me about its mistreatment, I would totally have reported it.”
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