St. Louis, MO—
For eight years, conservative Evangelicals blamed President Barack Obama for every destructive occurrence of natural phenomenon, but, since President Trump took over, they don’t seem to be as adamant that calamitous weather events and other tragedies are directly affected by the actions of the Chief Executive.
“Now that a Republican is in office, we’re shifting gears a bit,” said televangelist Arnold Stoop, whose church services reach half a million people every Sunday. “Since Donald Trump took over, we’ve instructed our congregations to go back to blaming just gays for hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, forest fires, and the like. Natural disasters in America may still be getting more intense and more frequent during the Trump Administration, but blaming a white President for nature’s violence just doesn’t play well with our white, conservative congregants. It’s just a fact that the whole Anti-Christ scaremongering shtick isn’t as big a pew-filler when the president’s skin isn’t a sketchy dark color. We’re just trying to keep our religious messages relatable, you know? My congregants would never believe that a rich man like Trump didn’t have God’s approval, no matter how many Bible verses about rich people not getting into Heaven the libtards will throw in our faces.”
Some Evangelical church goers were relieved that they wouldn’t have to blame Trump for anything.
“I know Trump isn’t perfect,” said local Trump voter Ernie Tabold. “I mean he blatantly admitted that he sexually assaults women; he steals money from the people who work for him and with him, he’s violating the emoluments clause every day, he uses endless litigation to get out of paying his debts, he’s been obstructing justice and Congress since his inauguration, he barely disguises his racism and xenophobia, he lies to the American people on a daily basis about things that can easily be fact-checked, and the list goes on pretty extensively… but I am confident that God personally intervened in the election via Vladimir Putin and his social media fake news spamming operation to put Trump in office over that devil woman Hillary Clinton, who would have spent her four years going to hospital maternity wards and eating babies and fetuses right out of the womb. I heard she said babies taste better while still wet and marinated with all the fetal membrane juices. If she had gotten elected, certainly every hurricane and forest fire then would be a clear sign that God was pissed. But Trump is the kind of president God wants: a white male!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!