Following the official signing ceremony of the impeachment of President Donald Trump in the House of Representatives, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gifted her signing pen to First Lady Melania Trump.
“I’ve always felt so bad for Melania,” explained Pelosi in a brief comment to reporters following the ceremony. “She never wanted to become First Lady, and it’s obvious she never wanted her husband to upend their comfortable lives by running. And then there’s all his cheating and rape scandals that have come out, his ironically offensive immigrant-bashing, and the fact that Donald is very clearly a terrible man, President, husband, and father to their child. I believe we’ve all seen the videos of Melania swatting him away when he tries to hold her hand, and how her smile turns to a deep frown when the President turns away from her. So I thought the pen would be a nice gesture showing that she doesn’t have to wait much longer until he’s removed from office and she can divorce his sorry orange ass. I had her come to my office for a little tête-à-tête, and she perked right up when I explained to her the pen’s significance. She hugged me so hard and told me her tears were of pure joy. She told me she had never received a gift so sweet and meaningful to her, and that she couldn’t wait to sign the divorce papers with the same pen that would free her from the hell that is being married to that little wannabe dictator orangutan. Then she called the President a garbage monster man, and said many more illuminating things about him that I believe I’ll keep off the record.”