Mitt Romney Says He Wants To Impeach Trump, But Doesn’t Want To Seem Uncool

Washington D.C.—

Senator Mitt Romney has been a potential “yea” vote on impeaching President Donald Trump throughout the Senate’s trial process, but now appears to be wavering.

“Look, what the President did is wrong, very wrong,” said Romney to a reporter gaggle outside the Senate chamber this morning. “But I’m also just starting to get credibility around here. You have to remember, I’m new around here. I’m the junior senator from Utah. I gotta admit, it was a little rough for me at first. On the first day, Senator Chuck Grassley sold me a Senate elevator pass for $50, and it turns out you don’t even need an elevator pass to go up and down the Senate floors. And there’s a good amount of hazing here, at least on the Republican side. Roy Blunt does this thing where he hides Smirnoff Ice bottles all around the Senate and in my office, and if I open a drawer or cabinet and see one, he makes me get on one knee and chug it as he yells ‘You got Iced!’ over and over. Lindsey Graham carries a wiffle ball bat around with him and is always smacking the asses of first-termers. It really hurts. But since the impeachment trial started, all of this hazing stuff has stopped. I’m afraid if I vote to remove Trump, I’m gonna get it way worse. I want to remove Trump because his actions were totally unConstitutional, but if I vote to acquit Trump they might actually start accepting me! I really want to be one of the cool guys. I want to be the guy hitting other senators with water balloons, not the guy getting hit by John Cornyn. And right now, the only other Senate outcast is Ted Cruz. Do you know what it’s like to have to eat lunch every day with Ted Cruz because all the other Senators say the empty seats at their table are being saved for someone, even though no one ever shows up? All Ted Cruz talks about is his diabolical plan for being President someday. I can’t take one more day of listening to him tell me about all the people and minority groups he’d put in prison when he’s President. I want to be one of the cool guys!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)