Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump made political pundits’ heads everywhere explode with a series of tweets he published today:
“Totally vindicated! Great day for America! I told you my Ukraine call was perfect! If it wasn’t perfect, don’t you think the Senate would have voted for witnesses to come testify against me? Riddle me that DemoncRats!”
“Susan Collins says she thinks I learned my lesson… what lesson? Everything was beautiful! I think other countries learned a valuable lesson about perfect calls. Maybe some of them want to call me up about some more investigations about Democrats, who knows? Everyone knows I care so much about corruption. Nothing bothers me more than when politicians’ kids get jobs and money off their dad’s name like Hunter Biden did!”
“More famous people’s kids ought to try to be like my kids! There’s no nepotism with me! My kids gets ahead all by their own accomplishments! Ivanka became an executive at a giant company right out of college, and it’s only a coincidence that it was the company her grandfather started and her father was the current CEO of. We were just lucky to hire her before another company did!”
“And Don Jr.’s book sold so well! It was such a good book that the Republican National Committee bought $100,000 worth of copies! When Republicans buy a book, you know it must be good because Republicans aren’t dupes! The RNC didn’t buy any of Obama’s two books, so how good could they have been? Can anyone even read them? We speak American here, not Kenyan!”
“And don’t forget about Eric! His children’s cancer charity work is so great! And he takes after his dad with tremendous business skills! He does great deals with himself where he finds Trump properties to host his charity events at, but he’s such a good businessman that he doesn’t give himself any discounts, and sometimes even charges more than market value! He’s a very tough negotiator!”
“So Nancy Pelosi can tear up my beautiful State of the Union speech all she wants, she can’t tear up the subpoenaed documents Democrats wanted for their impeachment scam… because I kept them all! Ha! Totally vindicated!”
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