Trump Takes Back Calling Himself A COVID “War President” Because He’s Losing

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s claim of being a “war-time president” ended today in a Twitter thread:

“When I called myself a ‘War President’ I was only kidding. Coronavirus isn’t a real war, and it’s going to kill way more Americans than most of the wars we’ve fought, so I don’t want those numbers on my Presidential Score Card!”

“Donald Trump doesn’t lose wars. Except obesity. I lost that one. But so did America. If America’s great military (which by the way was non-existent until I came around because Obama and the Democrats banned all their guns and weapons) can’t defeat over-eating then it doesn’t count when I don’t get any exercise. So this war doesn’t count against me!”

“In fact, call me a peace-time President! Because things are so peaceful here! I could have had so many wars, but I chose not to! I could have totally started a war in Iran. It would have been so easy. We screwed with them and provoked them so hard! And I could have started a war in Syria, too. And Venezuela… I was flirting with the idea for several weeks there!”

“And of course I’ve threatened all kinds of crazy shit with China. And how could we forget North Korea? My crazy tweets at Kim Jong Un basically had us at the reddest of red alerts for months! I so could have started some kind of war there. But I didn’t, did I? Because I’m a stable genius who gets other countries to be stable because I’m such a crazy maniac that the entire world has no clue what I’ll do!…”

“…It’s like a global reality show. Too bad my White House isn’t being filmed, because it would make for great TV. Talk about the ratings I’d have! Will Trump engulf the world in nuclear war? Find out next week! Will Trump cut economic ties with China and wreck the global economy in the worst depression in history? Stay tuned next season!…”

“…Will Trump replace Pence with Ivanka as his VP? Will Trump sell Alaska back to Russia for a Moscow real estate deal? Will Trump chop up a Washington Post reporter at the White House? Will Trump call Angele Merkel a hag and pull out of the United Nations? Will Trump divorce Melania and marry an 18-year-old? You gotta keep watching the Trump Show to find out!”

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