Anchorage, AK—
Last year, Steve Bannon bought Richard Spencer’s Alaskan White Sperm Doomsday Vault project, and has invested heavily since to ramp up production of the vault’s collection of white people’s sperm.
The project’s stated goal is for the vault to maintain a large enough supply of sperm with DNA for white skin in order to repopulate the Earth with white people if immigrants and interracial marriage ever lead to a future where white skin is nearly genetically extinct.
Just a few months ago, Mr. Bannon finally capped his 20,000th mason jar of white sperm, and he celebrated with a giant party for his financial backers and sperm donor friends. An attendee told The Halfway Post that it was themed like a giant bachelorette party, with guests all bringing penis-shaped candies, balloons, masks, and other phallic decorations.
However, tragedy reportedly struck three nights ago when a power outage occurred and the emergency back-up generators failed to activate, thawing and expiring all 20,000 jars of sperm.
“It was literally the worst day of my life when I woke up and discovered that the power had been out all night,” explained Mr. Bannon in a brief telephone call with The Halfway Post. “And I was in Hungary at the time for a European conference on adapting Nazism for the 21st Century, so it took me a whole day just to get back to North America. When I finally got there, I must have opened up and smelled five hundred of the mason jars to try and find even one that was still fresh. But they were all rancid. I even dumped a few out on the ground and tried to give them CPR and mouth to mouth, but I was just too late. Each little sperm was like a child to me. A beautiful, white potential child. I guess Heaven got a trillion new angels this week.”
However, Mr. Bannon is not quitting the project.
“I got very depressed for about a day,” continued Bannon. “But then I thought about the oath I swore to preserve the future for white children when I was elected Alt-Right Grand Dragon, and I realized I couldn’t give up. So I called up Richard Spencer, Stephen Miller, Sebastian Gorka, Jim Jordan, and Tucker Carlson and we met up, each brought a mason jar, and got right back at it.”
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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
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