Steve Bannon’s White Sperm Vault Lost Power, Ruined His 10,000 Jars Of White Sperm

Anchorage, AK—

Last year, Steve Bannon—noted Grand Wizard of the Alt-Right and former adviser to President Trump—bought Richard Spencer’s Alaskan White Sperm Doomsday Vault project, and has invested heavily to ramp up production of the vault’s collection of white people’s sperm.

The project’s stated goal is for the vault to maintain a large enough supply of sperm with DNA for white skin in order to repopulate the Earth with white people if immigrants and interracial marriage ever lead to a future where humanity has almost exclusively different shades of brown skin.

Just a few months ago, Mr. Bannon finally capped his 10,000th mason jar of white sperm, and he celebrated with a giant party for his financial backers and his Alt-Right sperm donor friends who helped him fill up the mason jars one at a time.

A donor who attended told The Halfway Post that it was like a giant bachelorette party, with attendees all bringing penis-shaped candies, balloons, masks, and other decorations.

However, tragedy reportedly struck three nights ago when a power outage occurred and the emergency back-up generators failed to activate, thawing and expiring all 10,000 jars of sperm.

“It was literally the worst day of my life when I woke up and discovered that the power had been out all night,” explained Mr. Bannon in a brief telephone call with The Halfway Post. “And I was in Hungary at the time for a conference on adapting Nazism for the 21st Century, so it took me a whole day just to get back to North America. When I finally got there, I must have opened up and smelled three hundred of the mason jars to try and find even one that was still fresh. But, unfortunately, they were all rancid. It was so upsetting. I even dumped one out on the ground and tried to give it CPR and mouth to mouth, but I was too late. Each little sperm was like a child to me. A beautiful, white child. But I guess Heaven got a trillion or so new angels this week.”

However, Mr. Bannon is not quitting.

“I got very depressed for about a day,” continued Bannon. “But then I thought about the oath I swore when I was elected Grand Wizard of the Alt-Right, and I realized I couldn’t give up. So I called up Richard Spencer, Stephen Miller, Sebastian Gorka, Matt Gaetz, and Tucker Carlson and we met up, each brought a mason jar, and we got back at it.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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