The Nobel Committee in Sweden is collecting nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize to honor a global ambassador of peace with the award’s recognition as well as its million dollar reward, and has reportedly received a surprising number of nominations for Republican Senator Mitt Romney.
Mr. Romney has been profusely endorsed due to his vote to impeach President Donald Trump, and the Nobel Committee has announced they are receptive to the idea of rewarding Romney for his courageous vote of conscience despite the political consequences from his party.
“Obviously, Donald Trump is singlehandedly the biggest enemy to global peace and stability,” explained Nobel Committee Chairman Arvid Olson. “His Presidency has emboldened racist, nationalist political movements around the world, he has entirely abandoned America’s responsibility to support and promote human rights, he has set back the international commitment to reversing the trends of climate change his predecessor quite impressively fostered, and now his terrible response to the coronavirus in America threatens to enable future COVID outbreaks despite the herculean efforts of other, more competent leaders. I believe I am being as politically correct as I can possibly be when I say that Donald Trump’s dumpster fire presidency is just a giant planetary regret and misfortune, and Senator Romney’s lonely Republican vote to impeach him for his mob boss crimes against American idealism, democracy, Constitutional law, and intelligence deserves to be recognized.”
President Trump was reportedly informed in the middle of his executive hours that Mr. Romney was high up in the selection process, and threw a massive temper tantrum in the White House residence that only calmed down a half hour later when Ivanka Trump brought him a big bowl of ice cream, a photoshopped cover of Time Magazine with his face on it, and Jim Jordan to massage his feet.
Trump later took to Twitter to publish his dissatisfaction with the news:
“Romney?! Are you kidding me? I single-handedly stopped a war in Iran! No one will ever thank me for trying to provoke Iran into a war and then not starting the war! Do they have any idea what a disaster I averted? I should have earned ten Nobles by now! 9 for peace, 1 in literature for Art of the Deal!”
“And an 11th in chemistry! My uncle went to MIT, and I’m the first President in history to have an uncle at MIT. The Fake News will never admit it, but I probably know more than doctors more than I know more than the generals! If I had done my tremendous deals with diseases instead of Russian oligarchs looking for American properties, COVID would never have happened because I’d have sold it to Russia for triple the market value!”
“It would be called the novel Trumpavirus, and it would be the biggest, most beautiful virus, maybe of all time! In fact, go ahead and call it Trumpavirus, because it’s practically defeated, and that’s how you can thank me for doing such a great job! The Fake News will say I was hands-off, but if anything my response was way TOO strong!”
The Twitter thread ended here for just over an hour before continuing:
“Actually, don’t call it that! Call it Pelosiorhea, like Gonorrhea, because she downplayed the virus and went to Chinatown, unlike me who took it totally serious from the beginning! When I said it would be gone when the weather got warm, I was just trying to trick the coronavirus!”
“That’s the secret to fighting enemies, unlike Obama who went around telling all his diseases and ISIS exactly what we’re going to do! I have one of the best brains of all time, so I know to never give away our strategy to the pandemic. I like to keep the Pelosirhea confused so it doesn’t know what I’ll do next!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!