Ivanka Trump was nepotistically appointed to her current job of presidential adviser by her father, but she has long reportedly hoped to use her adviser role to launch her own presidential campaign bid for the presidency in 2024.
However, the Trump Administration’s objectively terrible job of dealing with the coronavirus pandemic’s spread throughout the country has her worried about being blamed for not doing more, alongside her father’s other infamous political and moral failures.
“Ivanka is very worried people will remember that her husband Jared was basically the point man on figuring out how to deal with COVID19,” explained a family friend, who requested anonymity to discuss Ivanka’s thought process. “Sure, Mike Pence was called the ‘czar,’ but the only people President Trump trusts are Jared and Ivanka, so basically everything the administration does has to go through one of them. And Jared did a real bad job. I mean, it’s not totally his fault… ultimately the fault should go to President Trump for appointing his kids, and not experts or professionals like everyone else suggested. I love Jared and Ivanka, but I also love America, and they’re in way over their pretty little heads. Jared’s only real life experience is in inheriting real estate businesses from his dad after he went to jail, and buying expensive properties right before market crashes, but the pandemic has really killed a lot of people. It’s more serious than pretending to be American royalty. And Ivanka is concerned that, when she runs for president herself, the American people will remember how inept she and Jared were, and how the first Trump Administration made literally everyone’s lives demonstrably worse.”
Ivanka has reportedly begun paying pollsters to find ways to spin her work in the Trump Administration.
“Those pollsters have quite a job,” said a White House staffer, who spoke to The Halfway Post under the condition of anonymity to discuss internal deliberations. “Jared and Ivanka royally screwed up the Arab-Israeli peace talks, they screwed up dozens of infrastructure weeks throughout the first year of the administration, they have helped vet disgraceful appointees to fill our bureaucracy with swamp monsters looking to rob the country and deregulate everything that cuts into their profits, and they have screwed up international relationships with American allies all across the globe. Remember all the times when Ivanka awkwardly tried to talk with world leaders at international summits and their body language showed unmistakably that they had no idea why she was there? America does.”
Another White House staffer confirmed that Ivanka was already conducting polls on how to rehabilitate her image:
“The only accomplishment Ivanka could realistically point to is the prison reform act she and Jared helped manage through a rare, bipartisan Congress to fix our draconian laws that lock up unconscionable numbers of minorities, although, ironically, Ivanka could never brag about that on the campaign trail when she runs for president because the Republican base she needs to vote for her in the primary loves that minorities are disproportionately locked up. Our pollsters have found that Ivanka has fostered a ‘soft on crime’ reputation. If she is serious about running, she’s going to have to start calling America a hell hole wasteland in dire need of indiscriminate police brutality like her dad did in his campaign. The racist vote is important in Republican primaries where only the most passionate Republicans vote, you know? Not all Republicans are racist, of course, but most racists are Republicans, and Ivanka is going to need their votes. Her dad called Mexicans ‘rapists,’ and that worked splendidly for him, but she can’t use the same line. She’ll need something new, something fresh. Her aides have been brainstorming which minority group she can scapegoat for all of America’s problems, and to create her own nationalist brand. Jared recommended the Irish because it’s been a long time since they were scapegoated, but the rest of Ivanka’s exploratory committee felt that the Irish have been considered ‘white’ for so many decades that racist conservatives wouldn’t so easily blame them for our low wages. At the moment, we’re seriously considering having Ivanka call Serbians murderers. They’re kind of in the sweet spot where Americans don’t know much about them, and they have a little tanner skin than us. It might work beautifully to differentiate her racism from her dad’s racism.”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!