St. Louis, MO—
An epiphany occurred today at about noon in which a hardcore Trump voter named Tony “Bubba” Randolph, 43, thought to himself that maybe Trump wasn’t telling the truth about the coronavirus.
“I was driving my car listening to Limbaugh, and I literally had to pull over,” said Randolph. “Limbaugh was saying how the coronavirus and the quarantines were just a Democratic hoax led by Nancy Pelosi to keep all us good patriots at home so they could sneakily convert America to Sharia Law and fulfill the Biblical prophesies from Revelations about Barack Hussein Obama and his transgender wife Michelle who’s really a man from Moldova bent on taking away our guns, but then I realized that some family friends of mine got the COVID and died. So I asked myself, was it possible that Rush Limbaugh was full of it? And then I got to thinking about Trump’s claims that the COVID was nothing serious. Was Trump himself lying? Or stupid? I mean, I loved those friends, and here Trump was saying the cases should have been zero by now, and that we should inject ourselves with Lysol! Lysol?! Then the dam just kind of burst, and it was like a mid-life crisis. Everything I thought I knew about politics just kind of burst into flames in my head!”
Randolph sat in his car for two hours reflecting on his political beliefs, trying to fact-check them on his phone by checking out websites that didn’t have the words “freedom” or “patriot” in their names.
“It totally blew my mind,” Randolph continued. “Brief fact-checks from mainstream news sources quickly changed my mind on so many subjects. I saw pictures of Obama in Christian churches and swearing in on the Bible, when all this time I thought he had sworn his presidential oath with his hand on a rainbow-colored Koran with pages made out of aborted fetuses. Then I went down an Internet rabbit hole about his family, and realized that Michelle Obama really was a woman, and that their two kids weren’t burqa-wearing midgets from ISIS posing as American teenagers. By the end of it, I found myself actually respecting Obama for how professionally he conducted himself as the first black president!”
Mr. Randolph’s fact-checking eventually took him to the subject of Donald Trump.
“My findings on Trump were the most eye-opening!” Randolph said. “I found this article talking about all the financial loopholes the Trump family’s accountants used to basically funnel hundreds of millions of his dad’s money to his own failing businesses, and how every time Donald Trump got a new accountant to look at his cooked books, they were surprised to learn that with all the debts Trump essentially had no money, despite his famous over-exaggerations of his wealth. All this time I had been believing Trump when he said he only got a million dollar loan from his dad to start off, but the facts prove he got hundreds of millions in gifts and that he lost it all in spectacular business failures. Then I found out about the time a Trump biographer who interviewed people in Trump’s world wrote that he had been worth only about $150-$250 million and Trump sued him for a ridiculous amount of money, and then lost the lawsuit following truly humiliating depositions in which Trump had to confirm that he lies about virtually everything. Trump a liar? I’ve been the biggest Trump fan, the biggest Trump supporter out of everyone I know! I can’t believe I got totally conned into believing Trump was a good business man, and a good president, and even a good person. I found this web page of a list of lies he’s told, and it was just too much for me to handle! He’s lied about a million things, big and worthlessly small! He couldn’t even admit the Covfefe tweet was an accident! Before I knew it, I had stepped outside my truck, threw my MAGA hat on the ground, and started stomping on it. Then I got back into the truck and did some more Google searching. I found this list by the New York Times of the hundreds of people, places, and inanimate objects he has name-called on his Twitter, and I started reading through them. There’s no way to read through all that and not come to the conclusion that he’s a sociopathic toddler-brained clown. I feel like such an idiot for getting caught up in all this Trump stuff. Now I believe 100% that all the allegations against Trump of fraud, abuse of power, emoluments clause violations, obstruction of justice, intimidation of witnesses, sexual assault, and all the other crimes are totally true!”
Welcome to reality, Bubba.
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