Trump Asked Pelosi Not To Let Democrats Use His Direct Quotes About COVID In Ads

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump asked Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to stop Democrats from using his direct quotes on the subject of the coronavirus pandemic in Democratic ads ahead of Election 2020.

The President called Pelosi’s office and left a message, and one of her staffers leaked the recording to The Halfway Post:

“Hey, Nancy, it’s President Trump, just called to talk. But, listen, while I have you here, could you maybe do me a tiny, little, very small favor? Could you tell all your Democrats not to use recordings of me talking about COVID in the advertisements and campaign literature you’re making? I know I’ve said a lot of things about COVID over the last few months, but I just think that some of my direct quotes should be off the record, you know? Like, for instance, when I said in a press conference back in March that laying on the ground and lifting your legs up and bending your knees until your anus is facing the ceiling and then pouring Drano down your butthole with a funnel until it starts to dribble out your mouth was a cure for COVID, that was back when the medical science on COVID was still pretty murky and unclear, you know? I maybe said a bunch of COVID cures that in hindsight were less than medically accurate, and I’d hate for you to mislead worried American citizens by repeating some of the misleading things I’ve been saying to them for months. And I know some of my quotes were said during press conferences I called myself to a room full of cameras recording live, but I meant for those all to be off the record. So if you Democrats could stop using that footage to make me look stupid, I’d very much appreciate it. I’d also like it if you Democrats stopped airing the quote where I said ‘I take no responsibility at all.’ It was true then, and it’s true now, but it looks bad in all your campaign ads, so could you stop it? Especially because that quote is 100% true. I don’t deserve any responsibility for America being the global epicenter of COVID infection. If I were grading myself, I’d give myself a 99%. I’d ding myself one percentage point for being too good, and making the rest of the class of global leaders look bad. Oh, and also could you make Democrats stop bringing up how often I’ve talked about banging Ivanka? It’s totally true that I could if she weren’t my daughter, but it makes suburban women feel weird about supporting me, and I really, really, really need them to stop flipping to your side. Anyway, call back when you get a chance. Tell your granddaughter who just started college ‘congrats’ from President Trump. Tell her if she ever wants a modeling job that I’m holding auditions for the next Miss Universe competition in the White House residency on weekend nights after 9pm. Thanks, Nancy!”

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