The Halfway Post recently obtained a leaked list of Vice President Mike Pence’s demands for the upcoming vice presidential debate:
- Mrs. Harris, and any female moderators, must not wear any clothing that reveals their ankles, knees, shoulders, clavicle, lower back, shoulder blades, or more than a half-inch of mammary gland cleavage (rulers will be brought and used!)
- Mrs. Harris must not make eye contact and hold it for longer than three consecutive seconds (stopwatches will be brought and used!)
- Handshakes only! No hugs. Mrs. Harris’ mammary glands must not get within six inches of the Vice President’s chest (unless Mrs. Harris has been on her period within seven days, in which case no touching will be allowed, per the Bible’s guidance).
- Mrs. Harris must wear a bra, preferably two, to make sure no nipples distract the VP from his godly focus on America.
- The following words are strictly prohibited: vagina, uterus, labia, vulva, clitoris, cervix, g-spot, breasts, or perineum. Only “pussy” is allowed, per the precedent of presidential acceptability wisely endorsed by God through President Trump’s immaculate electoral college victory over Hillary Clinton. Also, no other words even remotely related to female sexuality or female-specific anatomy will be permitted (a thesaurus will be brought and used!)
- Under no circumstances will Mrs. Harris be allowed to familiarly refer to the VP on a first-name basis. She must refer to him only as “Mr. Pence,” “Mr. Vice President,” or “my male superior.”
- Mrs. Harris must not use any Ebonics words, or words from Hindi, Bengali, Marathi, Jamaican Creole, or any other languages Mrs. Harris’ diverse family might speak at home. The VP only speaks standard English.
- No references to rap or jazz music, basketball, Harlem Renaissance art, kente cloth, soul food, or Beyoncé can be made. References to any of these will create a hostile debate atmosphere and make the VP uncomfortable.
- No uses of the Bible or Jesus’s memory can be used for partisan gain. The right to use Christianity for political purposes is exclusively granted to the VP.
- If at any time Mrs. Harris is about to get the female disease, she must promise not to get any blood on the VP.
- Mrs. Harris under no conditions will be permitted to utilize her jezebel power to turn the VP to stone.
MORE SATIRE ABOUT MIKE PENCE:
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