Donald Trump Claimed Joe Biden Will Turn Suburban Children Into “Little Urbans”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today delivered a meandering monologue in a press conference that quickly went off the rails:

“The only person Joe Biden hates more than God is you,” Trump exclaimed today with a conspicuous blue, powdery stain in his nostrils. “All of you. He hates everyone in America. And if you’re a suburban white woman, well, let’s just say it’s game over for you. You’re not going to be suburban anymore. Maybe not even a woman. You definitely won’t be white anymore. Who knows? The way things are going… Joe Biden will ruin your life. I guarantee it. Joe Biden will mandate that your house gets torn down, and he’ll replace your comfortable home and pretty little yard with a low-income housing unit, and cram in dozens of immigrants, thugs, MS-13 gang lords, abortion doctors, and Antifa. He’s going to turn your suburban life into an urban one, and he’ll convert all your kids into little urbans. You won’t even recognize them anymore. Trust me. Little Timmy is going to turn into big Tyrone, or Osama al-Qaeda. And he’ll stop wearing belts so his pants will sag. And he’s going to get big, cantaloupe calves from carrying so many marijuanas and reefers across the border. Joe Biden and the Democrats are going to sign so many executive orders you won’t recognize America anymore. All the homes that aren’t turned into low-income housing will be converted into post offices or polling locations. You won’t believe how many fake mail-in votes there will be. All the urbans and illegals will be voting a dozen times a day. Democrats will start winning elections with billions of votes. You wouldn’t believe how bad things will get if Joe Biden wins. And he’s brain-dead. It’s not really going to be Joe. AOC will be running this country. And she’s not very bright. She got terrible grades in school. Mine were way better. You wouldn’t believe how great my grades were. I’d show you, but my grades are under audit. You know how that goes. No one wants to show their grades more than me, believe me. They were the best grades you’ve ever seen. But no one takes audits more seriously than me. So don’t let Joe Biden, or AOC win, okay? You have to vote Trump. In person. No mail-ins. If we did mail-in voting, Democrats would get a trillion votes, okay? Everyone’s dogs and cats and hamsters would be voting. And the suburbs would be over. You’d never see a suburb again. So suburban white women better vote Trump, or your way of life will be gone.”

Trump then sniffed a few times and sneezed, blowing blue powder all over his face.

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s