New York City, NY—
Donald Trump Jr. has reportedly been very worried about getting arrested and going to prison due to his family’s spiraling legal problems, but Don Jr. now says he’s ready for a change in his life.
“I’ve been thinking about all the fraud, and the collusion, and charity swindling, and money laundering, and it was a good run and all, but I think I’m ready to turn a new leaf,” said Donald Jr. in a brief phone call with The Halfway Post. “I think in prison I can start over, and try out being honest for once. I actually told my dad that I didn’t want him to pardon me, and he said the thought had never crossed his mind. That made me a little happy because I’m hoping that if we go to prison together we can maybe finally bond. If he hadn’t even thought about pardoning me, that must mean he wants to reconnect with me, too! I know I play it off as a really cool guy who doesn’t have any daddy issues at all, but, to be honest, I’ve always been self-conscious about my relationship with my father. He’s always been so busy in life with his Russian pals, and the hookers, and late night modeling photo shoots at home alone with Ivanka that I feel like he’s never really taken the time to be my dad, you know? I hope maybe in prison he can finally get to know me, and maybe I can finally get a hug, or hear him tell me he’s proud of me. Just once, that’s all I’m hoping for. You see, my dad doesn’t really show his love very much, or at all. But it’s not like he’s never been there for me or anything like that, I mean, we have our moments together. My dad is a big time jokester, and we have some fun ribbing each other here and there. Like, I’ll tell him his hair looks like a big, fluffy hamster sitting on his head, and he’ll hit me back with some light-hearted jokes about how I’m a ‘retard‘ and a ‘disappointment’ who should give back the name Donald Trump because I don’t deserve it and never will. He’s always kidding around with me like that, and he means well, but I wish he wouldn’t always say those things in front of bigwigs like the Trump Organization board members, or the Apprentice executive producers, or his top presidential campaign staffers, or his administration’s cabinet members… or my ex-wife, or my current girlfriend, or my kids…”
Donald Jr. trailed off in the phone conversation, and was silent for a moment.
“But if me and my dad are in prison together I think I can make him proud of me once and for all,” Donald Jr. continued. “I hope he’ll be happy when I go down with the ship with him. He values nothing more than loyalty, so I want to be that loyal son for him. Everyone is turning against him, from Michael Cohen, to Melania and Barron, to a bunch of top Republicans and big donors, to the American people, but I’ll be there for him. And, who knows, maybe prison will be good for me. I just need to catch up on some lingo from the gang community if we’re going to be in jail. My dad keeps telling me he’s going to have to pimp me out for some luxuries in prison, and I don’t really know what that means yet because I thought pimps always had girl hoes, but I’m not sure if there will be girls in our prison for me to help pimp out. I’ll figure it out, though. Anyway, I’m kind of excited for the change of pace!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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