Trump’s Convention Speech Just Leaked, And It’s Nuts!

Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post just received an exclusive sneak peak at a copy of President Donald Trump’s first of several planned RNC convention speeches.

It was written by adviser Stephen Miller, and numerous jizz stains are visible on paragraphs with particularly cruel and draconian themes that apparently aroused Mr. Miller into jerking himself off on the original copy while printing it out.

The following are some of the more notable excerpts from the speech:

  • “Joe Biden is so brain-dead he has to be held up by a complex system of ropes and pulleys. You could totally tell at his convention speech that his arms weren’t moving naturally. All the scaffolding to hold him up was just to the sides of the edge of the TV screen! And there was tape on his eyelids to keep him awake! And he had an oxygen tank on his back behind his suit jacket, and they put makeup on the tubes going to his nostrils so it wouldn’t be visible. And the video of his speech was actually filmed years ago. Back when he could still breathe on his own. Now he stays in the basement all day. He never comes out! He hasn’t seen sunlight in four years! And he has to be in an iron lung all day just to stay alive. Twenty-three hours a day he’s in a giant metal tube barely keeping his heart pumping. He gets one hour out of the tube each day where they wheel him around slumped in a wheelchair to a Planned Parenthood so he can see the babies getting aborted. I’m telling you, he’s barely alive. So I might not even do the debates because they will be so easy to win. I don’t want to embarrass Joe. I’m not nervous about them at all. The Fake News says my poll numbers are going way down every time I talk in public because I ramble incoherently, but they lie about everything, so who are you going to believe? And, besides, the Fake News is lying about the polls, too. I’m winning in the polls by double digits, not Joe! So I might just cancel all the debates because I’m winning by so much. I won’t need the debates because I’m going to win so big. That’s why I’m blocking the Postal Service and delaying mail-in votes. I’m afraid I’m going to get so many more votes than Biden that he’ll be embarrassed he lost by so much. I’m not delaying the mail for me, I’m doing it for Biden. The shock of him losing so badly might kill the last working brain cell in his head!”
  • “Joe Biden and all the other socialist Democrats want EVERYONE to share COVID, just like the communists they are. I’ve only allowed five or six million to get it so far. I don’t want everyone to have to share COVID like the Democrats do because I’m a capitalist. And when we have a vaccine, the rich will be able to buy it, and some people maybe won’t be able to buy it. I want everyone to get the vaccine, but America is a capitalist nation, so maybe not everyone will be able to afford it. We’re not socialist. But if Joe Biden wins, I guarantee that America will be turned communist, and everyone will be forced to inject COVID so that we’re all equally positive for COVID. The bad kind of positive. And Joe Biden will start with white suburban women. They’ll be the first to get COVID injections, because Democrats hate them for being so white and suburban and female. So they better flip back to voting for me because there won’t be any white suburban women left if Joe Biden wins. Trust me.”
  • “Joe Biden is going to kill God. And Jesus. He’s going to re-crucify Jesus. You’ll never see Jesus again. You’ll ask yourself ‘where did Jesus go?’ You don’t want to know. Trust me. You wouldn’t believe how much Joe Biden hates God. If you knew, you’d say, ‘wow, I can’t believe Joe Biden hates God so much!’ Trust me. Everyone is talking about it. In fact, when Democrats mention green energy, they’re talking about painting Bibles green and then burning them for energy. They want the entire country to be powered by burning Bibles! And cities. If Joe Biden wins, the riots are going to be every night. All white suburban women will be robbed or worse. Every city will be destroyed, and every Bible will be burned. You won’t even recognize America anymore if I don’t win. There will be no America left. I alone can fix this. I know I said that last time, but this time I’m for real!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.