St. Louis, MO—
A Christian woman from St. Louis mailed The Halfway Post a letter full of editorial demands a week ago, hoping we’d publish articles with the kind of content she wanted to see. We chose not to publish any of them, but the woman mailed us another letter with the same demands claiming that she had spoken with God, and that He wanted all the same things as her.
For fun, not fear of afterlife torment, the following are some of this woman’s (and allegedly God’s) demands:
- Admit QAnon is real, and that Donald Trump was only PRETENDING to be a rapist, molester, pedophile, necrophiliac, munger, orgyist, incestual fan of daughter love, and a committed fan of bestiality. If Trump actually enjoyed doing all of those things, God wouldn’t have let him have enough money to pay all his victims into silence and delay court proceedings for years and years. Trump probably hated hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein and hosting private parties just the two of them, but he did it to bring down the cabal of baby eaters decades later… and those criminals Trump is bringing down will all go to jail any day or decade now!
- Stop saying Donald Trump has “dainty, little, porky sausage fingers.” He’s obviously very insecure about his hands and fingers, and journalistic integrity demands The Halfway Post never publish anything bad about a president until a Democrat takes over.
- Stop saying President Trump endorsed pouring Drano down your butthole with a funnel until it comes out your mouth! Trump may have prematurely offered prescriptions of injecting Lysol into your blood stream, taking Hydroxychloroquine, and sticking a UV light wand into your body somehow, but he NEVER said Drano, and NEVER specifically mentioned anything going into your anus!
- Tell your readers to vote for Donald Trump, God demands it! God is all-powerful, but He still respects American democracy and freewill, so just know that you’re going to HELL unless you vote Trump. Also, God may allow a little foreign collusion or voting machine hacking to ensure our election goes according to his Grand Master Plan, which is immutable and unquestionable… unless somehow Biden still manages to win, in which case we can be sure every hurricane, flood, and forest fire is God letting us know we made a mistake. If Trump wins, the responsibility of those natural disasters will revert back to the gays in full.
- Stop making jokes about Eric Trump running for president ahead of his siblings! Everyone knows there is a very specific order Jesus Christ Himself has mandated, and Eric is last. After Donald Trump, Donald Jr. will run, then Ivanka, then Jared Kushner, then Tiffany, then Barron, and then finally Eric. Eric is a late bloomer, and his place in the order gives him the time he needs to study how to become a great Trump president. After Eric, we’ll start getting into the Trump grandkids. Nothing says MAGA like turning America back into a hereditary monarchy! I just hope the Trump kids can share power after their dad peacefully, which regretfully isn’t very common in human history. I hope there isn’t a civil war with them trying to divide and conquer America. I could see Ivanka being a conniving b**** and pitting all the Trump boys against each other to steal more power for herself, which is exactly why God also told me that, after Ivanka and Tiffany Trump, women won’t be allowed in politics ever again! They’re too weak, and let their emotions get in the way. One crying Latino infant locked up in a cage will make them totally forget about national security and stop thinking that that baby might very well be a blood-thirsty MS-13 gang lord or an al-Qaeda officer sneaking in through our Southern border! And women always vote a little more for Democrats anyway! God is not happy about that! I’m a woman myself, but I’d gladly give up my right to vote if it means the Trump kids and grandkids can govern us for the next century or two. It’s what omnipotent God wants, and we lowly fallen beings better deliver for Him!
From The Halfway Post vault:
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