BREAKING: Ted Cruz Is Again Doing What He Thinks Will Help Him Run For President

Washington D.C.—

Before every decision Senator Ted Cruz has made since the second grade, he has asked himself which available course of action would most help him someday get elected President of the United States, and he has apparently used that calculus again in his decision to back up President Donald Trump’s frivolous allegations of voter fraud.

Mr. Cruz denied today in a brief interview with The Halfway Post that he was opportunistically appealing to Mr. Trump’s political base of supporters by lending his support to a preposterous attempt to ignore the clear outcome of the election in anticipation of future presidential campaigns of his own, but in the middle of his denial he dropped a binder of documents and on all the spilled papers were signature doodles of “President Cruz” and sketches of various new presidential seals he has evidently designed. For some reason, most of them incorporated squirrels.

The Halfway Post believes strongly Mr. Cruz is smart enough to know Trump’s claims have no merit, having earned degrees from both Princeton and Harvard, but Cruz insists, with an eye conspicuously toward catching the MAGA-spirited attention of Trump voters, that he’s no college-educated coastal elitist.

“I am not an elitist, I guarantee it!” exclaimed Cruz after picking up his squirrel drawings. “I love all the things middle American Trump voters love, like beer and sports. I love cracking open a cold beer and watching the Yankees play football! And I may be of Cuban origin, but I’m one of the good kinds of immigrants! My dad may have gotten to the US with almost no money via refugee status and a claim for political asylum, and then stolen several jobs from American citizens over the years, but it was to escape Cuban socialism! We’re not the bad immigrants from everywhere else in Latin America! Descendants from Cuba are largely Republican-affiliated, so we fit right in with MAGA! I just hope that Trump’s supporters remember that if their racist militias ever rise up to take violent, fascist control of American society and start profiling everyone who isn’t caucasian! I’m a little worried they’ll look at me and see my last name is ‘Cruz’ and lump me in with all the bad immigrants who should be deported and blocked from citizenship. But I’m one of the good ones, and I prove it by using my political career to help block today’s immigrants and refugees from having the same opportunities bestowed upon my family!”

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