Trump Says COVID Deaths Are Because Of Biden, Stock Gains Are Because Of Him

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is slowly coming to terms with Joe Biden’s election victory, and is now attributing blame and credit for America’s problems and successes quite selfishly on Twitter:

“Since Biden cheated so much with fake votes and wants to be President so bad, I guess I’ll let him have a turn. The economy will be very sorry I’m leaving, and you can tell because stocks have been soaring Biden won. Stocks are trying to cram in as much profit as possible to thank me! You’re welcome!”

“So none of these stock gains are because of Biden! I’m the stable genius, not him! In fact, stock prices in the first year of Biden’s presidency should all be credited to me, like I graciously gave Obama credit for all the stock gains and black unemployment numbers in my first year!”

“The exception to this is the number of COVID deaths in the US. That is all Joe Biden’s fault. I had rounded the corner for America, and was working my magic to make it disappear any day now. But Biden won, and now COVID is energized like never before! COVID watched Failing Fox News call Arizona for Biden and celebrated on rooftops across the country!”

“Because COVID knows a sleepy, brain-dead president when it sees one! It shows how stupid my Democratic haters are because they practically elected COVID as president, not Biden. You wouldn’t believe how much COVID wanted Biden to win, or how much money George Soros donated to COVID’s superPAC!”

“Democrats think they elected Biden, but he’s going to be controlled by a cabal of the most evil criminals you’ve ever heard of, including AOC, Crazy Bernie, COVID, Crooked Hillary, the Pencil-Neck, Nancy Pelosi, John McCain’s ghost, and a whole bunch of RINOs! America will be begging for me to come back in 2 months!”

“can presidents pardon their own rape cases away?”

“Oops, disregard that last tweet! Barron must have been playing with my phone again!”

More from The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.