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- Trump is reportedly enraged that none of his staffers explained to him that the logic of his speech last night blatantly implied the only rigged election was the one he personally oversaw, and no one stopped him from telling the entire country he’s incompetent.
- After Trump spent hours calling various Fox News executives and screaming at them for ignoring his fraud claims, one exec reportedly snapped and yelled back, “You just told the entire fucking country, on live fucking television, that every president — even Sleepy Joe — has run free and fair elections EXCEPT you! So why don’t you fuck off, and focus on solving the idiotic Iran War fiasco you got cucked into by Israel and Jared Kushner because you’re a dumb little bitch??”
- Mike Lindell is reportedly beginning to worry that it’s a bad sign that Democrats are universally calling on Republican primary voters to nominate him and then bursting into loud laughter.
- Todd Blanche did not commit in his confirmation hearing to protect Americans’ First Amendment right to call Donald Trump by the following titles: “President Pedophile,” “VonShitzenpants,” “The Pervert-in-Chief,” “Epstein’s Pedophile Gentile,” and “The Mar-a-Lago Molester.”
- Pete Hegseth is making his erectile dysfunction problem the entire military’s problem.
- Pete Hegseth’s favorite makeup brands of foundation, bronzer, and concealer have reportedly been linked to severe testosterone disruptions.
- A notoriously homophobic televangelist in Texas claims “Democrats are hijacking AI to sneak satanic demons into my computer” because all the banner ads he sees on every website he visits are for leather costumes, PrEP pills, and gay swinger cruises.
- Donald Trump is reportedly “obsessed” with Jon Ossoff, who he calls “Jon Jerkoff,” and keeps asking his staffers daily to show him the latest photos and videos of Ossoff while commenting on his “star power.”
- Pete Hegseth is reportedly launching a new military program that would force all soldiers with penises less than 4 inches in length to use penis pumps.
- Pete Hegseth has reportedly ordered the military to begin checking male soldiers’ “anal hymens” to screen out gay soldiers from certain units, a policy being criticized as “biologically misguided.”
- Even MAGA fans aren’t buying Trump’s claims of Chinese election fraud because they know the next time Trump talks to Xi Jinping he won’t say a word about it to him, and after he won’t shut up for days about how strong Xi is.
- Military officials are reportedly warning that many soldiers in the trial group of troops maxing out their testosterone levels have developed breast tissue, and are warning that Hegseth’s new “T policy” might backfire on him and result in an army full of trans women.
- Chinese officials are calling Trump’s claim that they tried to make him lose any election “hilarious” because he’s “single-handedly ending a century of American hegemony without China having to spend a single dollar or fire a single bullet.”
- A list of 400 federal judges sent Trump a letter warning him that this November, when he inevitably files dozens of frivolous lawsuits alleging fraud, last night’s speech — in which he claimed Obama and Biden oversaw fair elections but he couldn’t — will be “Exhibit A.”
- Pete Hegseth reportedly has finally accepted that gay men can be capable war fighters, but wants military recruiters to develop some kind of process that screens out bottoms and only accept tops.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 