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- An international poll found that 89% of the entire human population wishes FIFA President Gianni Infantino had just pushed Trump off the 3-foot tall World Cup trophy stage to get him out of the photo and stop him from selfishly photo-bombing.
- Military doctors have reportedly warned Pete Hegseth that he’s taking so much testosterone he’s beginning to develop breast tissue and will soon have to be classified, according to his own strict policies, as a trans woman.
- Fox News executives reportedly don’t believe Donald Trump’s repeated promises that he’ll pay their legal fees and fines if they get sued for a billion dollars again reporting his latest bogus election fraud claims.
- The Tate brothers are reportedly shopping around for the most gullible Christian podcasters to announce their sudden conversion to Evangelicalism.
- Trump has reportedly been screaming at his staff for four days straight over his universally mocked speech on election fraud, and is accusing them of making him look like an idiot.
- Protesters are now bringing giant photos of Joe Biden eating ice cream cones to JD Vance’s public events so that he’ll have to excuse himself when he gets a boner.
- After bitching for weeks about Christopher Nolan casting a diverse cast in The Odyssey, the Tate brothers are now starting an Odyssey full of diverse characters of their own… in prison.
- Pete Hegseth’s video about screening soldiers for low testosterone reportedly took nine hours to film, including two hours for makeup, one hour for hair, and three hours for a mental breakdown halfway through that the filming crew suspect was related to the huge dosage of testosterone he takes that’s wrecking his emotional stability.
- A 12-year-old girl scout named Zoe on a White House tour today reportedly enraged Donald Trump by asking, “If the only election fraud happens when you’re the president, shouldn’t you resign and let Obama or Biden run the elections cause you say 2016 and 2024 were fair?”
- Several women’s clothing designers are reportedly upset that their top customers, the Tate brothers, just got arrested.
- A Fox News executive reportedly told Trump on a call, “Here’s some free advice: why don’t you shut the f*ck up about the election 6 years ago, and focus on the Iran clusterf*ck you got cucked into by Israel, or inflation, or that half the country has diarrhea!”
- Gianni Infantino reportedly regrets waking up Trump from his nap to join the World Cup award ceremony, and wishes he just let Trump sleep through it.
- After Trump declared he was going to open “the gates of hell” on Iran, a reporter asked him, “So this time Iran’s nuclear program and missiles will all finally be destroyed for real, and a month from now you won’t be telling us for the 50th time that you’ve totally obliterated their offensive capabilities?” to which Trump leaned back in his chair, folded his arms tightly across his chest, and frowned.
- Ketchup was reportedly splashed “all over the walls of the Oval Office” at lunch after Trump found out that FIFA, Spain, and every sports news network edited him out of the photos of the World Cup trophy celebration before posting them online.
- The Tate brothers are karmically finding out what it’s like to be trafficked… to prison.
- Pete Hegseth’s latest military prototype of “Gaydar” reportedly keeps beeping every time he points it at himself.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 