With everyone at Rivendell, Elrond announces that someone must take the Ring all the way to Mt. Doom, but Donaldo says that’s way too far and has too many inclines he’d have to walk up.
Donaldo asks why, if they have the Ring, they don’t just use it. He says all the ring-bearers before him were idiots, and no one knows more about powerful rings than him. He then puts on the Ring after everyone tells him not to, and Sauron flatters him by telling him he’s the smartest of all the Fellowship, and has the biggest, hairiest feet of all the hobbits. Donaldo says he admires Sauron’s strength, and tells Sauron to send over his dragon-riding Ringwraiths to Rivendell to pick him up.
Boromir and Gimli manage to grab him, and slip the ring off of his tiny, little sausage finger. As the rest of the Fellowship beg him not to give the Ring to Sauron because then armies of Orcs will burn all of Middle-Earth, Donaldo says he “fell in love” with Sauron, and points out that Aragorn is a killer too. He says he likes monarchy bloodlines whose Elven swords don’t shatter.
Then he calls Hobbiton a shithole, and says he doesn’t care about saving the Shire because what have the other hobbits done for him? He announces he’s going to make a big, beautiful deal with Sauron, build a giant tower with “Trumpins” written on it at the top, and all the races of Middle-Earth will love it.
The Fellowship tries to restrain him and take away the Ring, but he slips it on his finger again and sneaks away until the Ringwraiths find him. Donaldo keeps the Ring on so Sauron’s big eye has to see him, and he starts to annoy the Dark Lord on the ride to Mordor asking if the prostitutes in Mordor are any good, claiming Gandalf is sleepy and brain-dead and never leaves his dungeon basement, and complaining how the Shire has way too many windmills.
Donaldo thus brings the Ring directly to Barad-dûr, and calls Sauron a genius for raising such a huge Orc army. Sauron lets him have his “Trumpins Tower” on the condition he raises an army of Orcs of his own, but Donaldo loses interest in working immediately, and spends his time golfing with the Witch-King of Angmar until the Black Captain gets sick of Donaldo’s constant cheating and lying about his scores. Sauron requests to see the quality of Donaldo’s Orcs, but Donaldo keeps telling him, “in two weeks.”
When Sauron summons Donaldo and announces the beginning of the War of the Ring for which Donaldo will have to supply the Orcs he pledged, Donaldo lies about how many Orcs he has, exaggerating ten-fold that he’s a billionaire in Orcs, and exclaims how his Orcs are the best Orcs of all time, and he’s one of the great Orc kings of all time, and no one does big, beautiful Orc armies like he does. But he then tells Sauron that the armor and weapons Sauron sold his Orcs were terrible so he isn’t going to pay back Sauron the contracting fees for all the metal mining and blacksmithing.
When the war starts, Sauron is pissed when Donaldo’s Orcs arrive late, are nowhere near the number promised, have no Orc professionalism whatsoever, and Donaldo isn’t with them. Donaldo never shows up, but, after Sauron conquers Gondor, Rohan, the Dwarf mines, the Shire, and, at last, Rivendell and the Woodland Realm, Donaldo shows up at the triumph feast and takes credit for the victory even though he hid in his tower the whole time. Donaldo yells when the story of his hiding leaks out to Mordor’s newspaper, and he calls it “fake news” while demanding the leaker be executed.
Sauron quickly decides he has had enough of Donaldo, and banishes him from Mordor. Donaldo wanders through the ashes of Minas Tirith feeling sorry for himself and mumbling over and over, “No one has ever been treated more unfairly than me!” Then he finds Gríma Wormtongue — who Saruman let survive the war for betraying the Rohirrim by opening the gates at Edoras to let in the Uruk-hai — and Gríma starts sucking up to Donaldo, who falls immediately for Gríma’s fake praise and makes him his second-in-command.
Together they hatch a plan to orchestrate a coup against Sauron, but it falls apart when Gríma accidentally hosts a press conference at the Four Seasons Orc whorehouse instead of the Four Seasons tavern, and all the Orcs learn Donaldo used to be BFFs with the Shire’s notorious playboy pedophile who had a secret, creepy mansion on his private island in the Brandywine River.
The last few Orcs still loyal to Donaldo are put off by his very cancelable past conduct. Then, when Donaldo refuses to pay them the wages they earned in the war, they leave him, and Donaldo’s coup goes nowhere. He blames Gríma for the failure, and berates him for being a loser. Gríma erupts in anger, and shouts at Donaldo that he is not only a moron, but also a “cowardly, pathetic, clinical idiot, and narcissistic egomaniac debilitatingly incapacitated by mental and attentive incompetence.” Gríma leaves with Donaldo shouting after him, “You can’t quit, you’re fired!” and, “You better honor those non-disclosure parchments I made you sign!”
Donaldo wanders around by himself for a bit. When it gets dark he tries to make a fire, but can’t because his small hands get tired quickly from rubbing sticks together. He yells out to no one, “Fires are rigged against me!” and then lies down in the dirt to sleep. Shortly after, a stray warg follows his stench and eats him alive.
Donaldo’s screams briefly echo across the barren Pelennor Fields before silence returns.
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The Halfway Post 