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- White House insiders say Donald Trump has banned so many news networks because he has “lost all sphincter control” and can no longer hide his incontinence.
- The news agencies that Trump just kicked out of the White House press pool now have a bunch of free reporters to dedicate toward investigating Trump’s cover-up of the Epstein Files.
- Trump’s meeting with Mitch McConnell today reportedly resulted in Trump falling asleep and Mitch staring silently straight at him for 45 minutes.
- Russian officials claim the allegation that Trump is a Russian asset codenamed “Krasnov” is totally fictional because his codename was actually “Ronald McDonald.”
- Because the major cable news networks are refusing to cover the Trump Administration due to Trump’s 1st Amendment violations, they are using their free time to investigate deeper into the Epstein Files cover-up and to try catching Trump in infrared filling his diaper.
- Hollywood has begun filming a movie based on Donald Trump and Elon Musk where two Russian-compromised double agents code-named “Krasnov” and “Ketaminov” take over the US government, but they get found out, flee to Moscow, and then poisoned by the Russian dictator.
- Several major hacker groups are reportedly racing each other to hack into Trump TV and broadcast readings of the Epstein Files interspersed with Obama campaign speeches.
- Dozens of women in journalism who watched Trump’s press events today without volume — because the press corps is protesting his free press violations — said under their breath, “Who’s quiet now, piggy?”
- Mitch McConnell has reportedly only been observed eating lettuce like a turtle at the Senate cafeteria since he returned to Congress.
- “Trump TV” producers are reportedly worried because of how often they’re filming Trump talk openly about his stock trades, Saudi and Israeli bribes, the Epstein cover-up, his private deals with Russian oligarchs, and his impeachment escape plan to Argentina.
- A female journalist asked Trump what he thought about his approval rating hitting a new low of 32%, and, when Trump tightly crossed his arms and frowned, she told him, “Sweetheart, you should try smiling more, maybe it will help your ratings.”
- A “Trump TV” producer says he’s “very confident” Democrats should subpoena all the “unused footage that may or may not be Constitutionally relevant for impeachment hearings” within the first 5 seconds of obtaining majority control of Congress in January.
- The producers of “Trump TV” reportedly already have several hours filmed of Trump discussing Arnold Palmer’s dong size.
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