The ghosts of former presidents are reportedly haunting Trump Administration staffers:
George Washington floats around confessing that he accidentally sparked the French and Indian War in the 1754, and you can look it up to verify it.
Rutherford Hayes asks White House visitors, “What was all that fuss about Joe Biden sniffing kids’ hair? Sniffing kids’ hair is great! What’s the point of being president if you can’t sniff kids’ hair?”
James Buchanan tells anyone who will listen, “I was a lifelong bachelor, and my almost inseparable best friend was male. You know what that means when you read it in the history books, don’t you?”
FDR rolls around in his ghost wheelchair telling people “I was wrong! There is much more to fear than fear itself! The afterlife is an underworld eternal purgatory with no relief, rest, or existential peace! It’s a monotonous lingering in shadows of nothingness with no end to its agonizing boredom and despair! Why do I suffer now when I suffered so much in life? I had polio!”
Warren Harding hides in closets, and when guests are getting dressed he says, “You know how much poon I used to get in here? Bill Clinton’s a virgin boy scout compared to me! Also, my wife possibly murdered me with poison! Look it up! I actually didn’t mind dying in office. Teapot Dome was blowing up, and my mistress had just birthed a kid of mine. It was about time for ol’ Warren to go. But let me tell you, thank God for Donald Trump because until him I was the worst president in the modern era. I may have been a corrupt crony of machine politics, but I’d never incite an attempted coup against the peaceful transfer of power! How utterly unAmerican!”
Teddy Roosevelt claims he did marijuana in Cuba during the Spanish-American War, and is the uncredited inventor of jazz music.
Thomas Jefferson annoys White House guests describing in gratuitous detail with his trademark floral language why “Our Creator has advanced our pursuit of happiness endowing us a wise and impish character to appreciate the humor of John Adams being our second president, because to associate the number two and a big fat deuce that clogs a Virginian outhouse is to invoke the spirit of the Adams Administration, and it’s an inalienable fact in our republic’s august history that Adams is certainly a sh*t stain upon it.”
Richard Nixon tells people he can’t believe all he had to do was not resign, and just be like Donald Trump by not feeling any shame or remorse for any of his actions while walking all over basic decency and democratic norms and having all his accomplices and underlings refuse to testify to Congress, and he apparently could have gotten away with all his impeachable crimes.
William McKinley, James Garfield, and John Kennedy play in a ghost band together on Thursdays, and jam out to heavy metal songs about assassination.
Millard Fillmore begs staffers, “Hey, show me some of those OnlyFans videos on your electrified space telegram machine thingy! Millard likey! You know how hard it was to see scantily clad broads back in the 1800s? Now the broads show it all off for free, and walk around in public in yoga pants and spaghetti straps. I tell you, camel toe and sideboob were impossible to see in the 1850s. And no one’s a bigger ally of free-the-nipple than Millard Fillmore. You can write that down in your newspaper of faces — er, book faces, or whatever it’s called! Trump watches those talkie moving pictures of pornography during his Executive Hours, and we 19th Centurians sure missed out some awesome fun. I declare you all should be happy I’m shooting ghost sperm, because I’ve painted the entire White House!”
Calvin Coolidge does surprisingly profane yet racially empathetic gangsta rap about juggling hoes in the Roaring 20s under the stage name “C-Cool.”
George H. W. Bush pinches women’s butts with his ghost fingers, then high-fives the Ghost of Mikhail Gorbachev, and they drink ghost beers together nightly and reminisce how they deserve the credit for ending the Cold War instead of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.
Abraham Lincoln goes around screaming at Republican visitors for letting Trump ruin his party, and he explains how he’s a Democrat today because if anyone reads the GOP’s 1860s party platforms, they would be shocked to find wildly liberal planks and policy ideas, such as funding extensive internal infrastructure and railroads, uninhibited asylum and citizenship rights to any immigrant who wanted them, “vigorous” taxation, and governmental intervention to expand and ensure civil rights for freed slaves. “Which party now does that sound like? Look at which states elected me. Geographically, the exact same power base as the states that elected Joe Biden! I want to choke someone every time I hear Republicans think they’re making a relevant political argument in defense of the actions of today’s GOP by pointing out I was one. I renounce the party I once led! Dark Brandon all the way!”
Gerald Ford floats around whispering into visitors’ ears, “I want you to do things to my asshole I’ll have to pardon you for.”
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The Halfway Post 