Mike Pence Privately Suspects Donald Trump Lied About Praying For 2 Hours Every Night


Washington D.C.—

According to sources close to Vice President Mike Pence, it is widely believed throughout the Vice President’s staff that President Trump lied to Mr. Pence when he told Pence that he prays for two hours every night before going to bed.

“When the Vice President heard that, he was just so filled with pride that President Trump was taking serious his promise to devote himself to his Christian faith,” said a Pence aide who requested anonymity to discuss Pence’s private concerns. “But the Vice President is beginning to think that every other aspect of Trump’s personality is so unChristian that Trump is likely lying about his nightly prayers.”

The aide then listed several examples of how Trump’s religiosity pales in comparison to Mr. Pence’s rigorous, borderline fundamentalist application of Biblical rules.

“Trump uses the lord’s name in vain multiple times daily,” said the aide. “He shakes hands with women without first enquiring if they had been on their period within the last seven days. Trump regularly covets parts of his predecessor’s presidency, such as Obama’s approval rating, inauguration crowd size, and number of magazine cover stories. Trump is gluttonous with fast food and ice cream. Trump is excessively vengeful. And of course there is the outrageous sense of vanity that both fuels and poisons Trump’s entire existence.”

President Trump’s late night Twitter usage is another factor that has convinced Pence that Trump doesn’t actually do any praying at night.

“If the guy is worshiping his lord and savior Jesus Christ every night, what in heaven’s name is he doing tweeting about himself all night every night?” Pence has reportedly asked his staff several times.

Of course it’s impossible to truly know what Mr. Trump does in the privacy of his own mind in his bedroom at night, but Pence has complained to aides that Trump’s terrible personality would surely have mellowed out a bit if he had actually been praying every night like he claimed.

Despite Trump’s claims of serious faithfulness in the general election, he has only attended a church service one time—immediately after his inauguration—in the time he has been President.

Some skeptics of the President’s faith have wondered why he has so much time for golf, but apparently no time for his Lord.

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(Photo courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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