Fox News CEO Promises That If Russiagate Is Real, He Will Close Down Fox In Apology


New York City, NY—

Fox News CEO Emin Akbari today announced that, because Fox News has bet its reputation on the Russiagate controversy currently engulfing the Trump Administration, if Russiagate turns out to be a real scandal with real crimes he would shut down Fox News entirely.

“Look, I’m a man of honor,” Akbari said. “If we’re wrong about this, I don’t know why anybody would ever trust us ever again. If this scandal turns out to be real, then the credibility of this entire brand will have been compromised, and I can think of no reason why Fox News should be able to continue to exist as a news organization. Sean Hannity will be the first to be fired! After all, if Trump actually did collude, I’m sure to our millions of viewers that Fox News would look like a straight up fascist-loving totalitarian teacher’s pet of a news company. Uggh. That would seem so Third Reich-ish. Gross. So if we’re wrong about this, that’s it: it’s the end of Fox News since our purposefully biased conservative news network will have gotten egg all over itself. As for me, maybe I’ll go into a different business. I hear mercenary-military contracting business is going good now. With Republicans in control of the government there are some beautiful bloated government contracts that can be gobbled up. All I have to do is shake Trump’s hands and tell him his hands are bigger than Obama’s and he’ll give me a $30 billion contract just for that! And the best thing about Republicans is they won’t care if I do a crap job. Remember Iraq? Ha! Haliburton made a fabulous amount of money giving the troops rancid meat with maggots in it, and mixing cheap cement so that the infrastructure they built would fall down, and there weren’t any criminal indictments! Just imagine all the unethical money I could be making. And let me remind you how much more money I’m saving now since Republicans passed those tax cuts. It’s criminal!  Yeah. So if turns out Trump has been lying all this time, no more Fox, but hellooooo government war profiteering!”

(Picture courtesy of Clemons v. Vogelsang.)

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