Fox News CEO Promises That If Russiagate Is Real, He Will Close Down Fox In Apology


New York City, NY—

Fox News CEO Emin Akbari today announced that, because Fox News has bet its reputation on the Russiagate controversy currently engulfing the Trump Administration, if Russiagate turns out to be a real scandal with real crimes he would shut down Fox News entirely.

“Look, I’m a man of honor,” Akbari said. “If we’re wrong about this, I don’t know why anybody would ever trust us ever again. If this scandal turns out to be real, then the credibility of this entire brand will have been compromised, and I can think of no reason why Fox News should be able to continue to exist as a news organization. It this scandal is fake, I’m sure to millions and millions of Americans that Fox News will look like a straight up fascist-loving totalitarian teacher’s pet of a news company. Uggh. That would seem so Third Reich-ish. Gross. So if we’re wrong about this, that’s it: it’s the end of Fox News since our purposefully biased conservative news network will seem to have spoiled itself. As for me, maybe I’ll go into a different business. I hear mercenary/military contracting business is going good now. With Republicans in control of the government there are some beautiful bloated government contracts that can be gobbled up. And the best thing about Republicans is they won’t care if I do a shit job. Remember Iraq? Ha! And Republicans just passed a major tax reform law that has let me pocket way more money money and pay wayyyy less taxes. Yeah. No more Fox, but hellooooo government war profiteering!”

(Picture courtesy of Clemons v. Vogelsang.)

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