Mike Pence Is Having So Much Fun Casting Senate Tie-Breaking Votes That He’s Afraid He’s Sinning

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Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence has been casting numerous tie-breaking votes in the Senate due to the Republican Party’s narrow majority there, but his newfound legislative power has left him conflicted emotionally and spiritually.

“On the one hand, Vice President Pence loves the idea that he is a father figure of sorts for the Senate, and that he can get involved when the two partisan chambers are locked in balanced battle where he, like an omnipotent monotheistic god, can decide the victor—our side every time of course,” said a staffer in Mr. Pence’s VP office, who requested anonymity to freely discuss his boss. “But on the other hand, Mr. Pence is afraid that, because it’s so fun breaking Senate ties, it must somehow be a sin.”

Mr. Pence, a devout Christian, has maintained his rigorous religious agenda throughout the Trump Administration’s first year.

“Mr. Pence prays before literally every decision he makes,” explained the aide. “Signing a letter? He prays over which pen to sign with. Going to the bathroom? He prays for which stall to pee in. He even prays about the room’s temperature. One time he went to set the temperature and someone had left it at 69 degrees, and he immediately called his wife to apologize for having seen the number 69. So after his first Senate vote, Pence got quiet and told us softly that tie-breaking votes in the Senate were suspiciously fun, like dancing. Then he took the cross from his crucifix necklace out from beneath his shirt so it could be visible on top of his tie.”

Despite any spiritual hangups Mr. Pence may have have regarding his Senate votes, he hasn’t stopped casting them.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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