St. Louis, MO—
Local conservative Facebook group “Conservatives of St. Louis” has every day for the last week published Facebook posts calling liberals and Democrats “snowflakes who need safe spaces.”
These posts have earned fierce satirical mockery regarding the conservatives’ endless boycotts against random brands and products that they perceive are anti-Trump in some manner.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” said local Democratic voter Parker Fischer, who penned a rebuttal to the conservative Facebook group’s latest post, which has received more likes than the post itself. “They call liberals snowflakes, but they complain just nonstop about virtually everything. These conservatives will boycott literally anything and anyone that believes all humans are equal. At least liberals plan their boycotts strategically to remove awful public commentators like Bill O’Reilly—that guy is an unashamed loudmouth, and a racist sexual harassment artist. Conservatives just turn everything into a culture battle. They were literally smashing their expensive Keurig machines the other day in some show of tribal, frail masculinity or something. Little babies.”
Charles Cooper, the administrator of the Conservatives of St. Louis Facebook group reached out to explain the group’s stances. The following is a list of all the brands his group is currently boycotting, with Mr. Cooper’s explanation for why they are boycotting in quotes:
Keurig — “How dare a company punish Sean Hannity for being the perfect example of how not to do journalism and political punditry.”
Pepsi — “The soda is brown and doesn’t come in any white varieties.”
The NFL — “Seeing so many black football players excel at sports and physical endurance better than white players is not what we want to see.”
Apple — “Too gay friendly, every gay person I’ve ever met had an iPhone. Something sketchy must be going on with Apple.”
Oreos — “Those cookies need to be segregated. The black cookies get in the way of the white stuffing.”
Ford — “I think some Ford executive said something bad about the travel ban.”
Nabisco — “Um, do we boycott them? It’s hard to keep so many boycotts of so many different companies straight.”
Star Wars — “By having one single, lone black storm trooper in the entire film franchise, Star Wars is just throwing race in our faces. So reverse-racist.”
Hamilton — “Having our Founding Fathers rap is an abomination. Let’s be historically accurate: our Founders were white, and no doubt had terrible rhythm and awful dancing skills. Let’s be accurate please.”
Nordstrom — “From now on I will never shop at any store that doesn’t offer Ivanka Trump’s underwhelming and expensive fashion line, even though I am a lonely male with no wife or daughters to shop for.”
Starbucks — “I will boycott Starbucks until they tell every Buddhist, Muslim, Jew, atheist, Sikh, Hindi, and Shinto person ‘Merry Christmas,’ no matter how weird or unnecessary it is for their multicultural customers. That’s the American way.”
Netflix — “Too much racial and gender diversity. Also, I secretly liked Dear White People, and I thought it had relevant social commentary, which really scares me and makes me worry I’ve been a white-privileged dirtbag my whole life. I had to start a whole new profile just to hide the fact that I binged the whole series in one night.”
Anheuser-Busch — “They’re actually proud of their immigrant founder. Also, the immigrant-goes-to-America-and-gets-rich-founding-a-nationally-beloved-company schtick is really bad for our political talking points on immigration.”
Macy’s — “How dare they drop Ivanka Trump’s fashion line for underselling and underperforming.”
Amazon — “That CEO guy bought the Washington Post so he’s guilty by association of fake news.”
Ben & Jerry’s — “Are they gay or something? I honestly don’t remember why we’re boycotting them.”
(Photo courtesy of Patrick Lentz.)
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