Paul Ryan Wins Oscar For “Best Supporting Actor” For His Total Silence On All Of Trump’s Crimes


Los Angeles, CA—

In a stunning Oscar moment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was awarded the Academy Award for “Best Supporting Actor” for his role in doing nothing while President Donald Trump trashes the Constitution and American democracy.

Paul Ryan, with tears in his eyes, slowly walked up to the stage to accept his award while the audience softly and politely booed him.

Mr. Ryan’s acceptance speech was a little long, and he used it to thank the Academy for the recognition.

“Wow, this is amazing,” Ryan said at the microphone. “Total dream come true. When President Donald Trump was elected after running the stupidest, most self-admittedly corrupt, most flawed presidential campaign in American history, I knew how hard it would be to support such a terrible person as President, but I accepted the challenge. And boy was it a challenge. When Donald called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers, I changed the subject. When Donald admitted to sexually assaulting women, I held firm and changed the subject. When Donald issued a blatantly illegal and racist travel ban, I changed the subject. Every time Donald said something horribly offensive, idiotically ignorant, or even blatantly illegal, I ignored it. When Donald refused to execute an almost unanimously passed Congressional Russian sanctions bill, I let it slide. No matter how damning the evidence of the various investigations into Russian collusion and other illegality have gotten, I’ve been completely mum on the subject. Let me tell you, I’m just glad I received this award before Donald tried to preemptively nuke North Korea and jumpstart the Korean War, because that’s a scandal I may actually have to do something about, you know? Gosh. I’d also like to take a moment to thank President Trump because, without him, my woeful lack of conscience and obvious lack of a spine would never have been honored on this stage tonight. Thank you, Donald, and thank you to everyone in this room. And God bless this democratic government I am allowing Donald to dismantle and shred every day with borderline criminal inaction and negligence of my duties as a representative of the American people.”

There was no applause.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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