Paul Ryan Wins Oscar For “Best Supporting Actor” For His Notable Silence On All Of Trump’s Crimes

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Los Angeles, CA—

In a memorable Oscar moment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was awarded the Academy Award for “Best Supporting Actor” for his role in doing nothing to stop President Donald Trump from trashing the Constitution and American democracy.

Mr. Ryan, with tears in his eyes, slowly walked up to the stage to accept his award while the audience softly and politely booed him.

Mr. Ryan’s acceptance speech ran long, and he used it to thank the Academy for the recognition.

“Wow, this is amazing,” Ryan said into the microphone. “Total dream come true. Golly. You know, when President Donald Trump was running the most overtly racist and offensive presidential campaign in American history, I knew how hard it would be to work with such a horrid person as President, but I accepted the challenge. And boy was it a challenge. When Donald called Mexican immigrants ‘rapists’ and ‘drug dealers,’ I pretended not to hear the quote. When Donald admitted to using his celebrity to sexually assault married women, I held firm and changed the subject. When Donald issued a childishly illegal and racist travel ban, I gaslighted America about terror threats. Every time Donald said or tweeted something abominably vile, crudely ignorant, or even patently untrue, I let it slide. No matter how damning the evidence of the various investigations into Donald’s plethora of disgraceful illegalities forever smearing the Office of the Presidency have gotten, I’ve been completely mum. Let me tell you, I’m just glad I received this award before Donald maybe tries to preemptively nuke another country or something, or extort a foreign government for fake dirt on his 2020 election opponent, because either of those crimes would be a scandal even I would have to finally say or do something about, right? Gosh. I’d also like to take a moment to thank President Trump because without his despicable behavior my lack of conscience and spine would never have been able to be honored on this stage tonight. Thank you, Donald. And thanks to the Academy for recognizing my contemptible negligence in my sacred duty as a top representative of the American people to courageously voice my opinions on moral and bureaucratic failures clearly and without regard for partisanship or self-interest. Never give up on your dreams! Thank you!”

There was no applause.

From The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s