Paul Ryan Wins Oscar For “Best Supporting Actor” For His Notable Silence On All Of Trump’s Crimes

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Los Angeles, CA—

In a memorable Oscar moment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was awarded the Academy Award for “Best Supporting Actor” for his role in doing nothing while President Donald Trump trashes the Constitution and American democracy.

Mr. Ryan, with tears in his eyes, slowly walked up to the stage to accept his award while the audience softly and politely booed him.

Mr. Ryan’s acceptance speech was a little long, and he used it to thank the Academy for the recognition.

“Wow, this is amazing,” Ryan said into the microphone. “Total dream come true. When President Donald Trump was running the most overtly racist and offensive presidential campaign in American history, I knew how hard it would be to work with such a horrid person as President, but I accepted the challenge. And boy was it a challenge. When Donald called Mexican immigrants ‘rapists’ and ‘drug dealers,’ I pretended not to hear the quote. When Donald admitted to using his celebrity to sexually assault married women, I held firm and changed the subject. When Donald issued a childishly illegal and racist travel ban, I gaslighted America about terror threats. Every time Donald said or tweeted something abominably vile, crudely ignorant, or even patently unethical, I let it slide. No matter how damning the evidence of the various investigations into Donald’s plethora of public lies and disgraceful illegalities forever smearing the Office of the Presidency have gotten, I’ve been completely mum. Let me tell you, I’m just glad I received this award before Donald maybe tries to preemptively nuke another country or something, or extort a foreign government for fake dirt on his 2020 election opponent, because either of those crimes would be a scandal even I would have to finally say or do something about, you know? Gosh. I’d also like to take a moment to thank President Trump because, without him, my lack of conscience and spine would never have been honored on this stage tonight. Thank you, Donald. And God bless the Academy for recognizing the contemptible negligence of my sacred duty as a top representative of the American people to courageously voice my opinions clearly and without regard for partisan self-interest. I’ve never been more challenged in my life, but I vowed to never give up. Thank you!”

There was no applause.

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