Fox News Execs Are Upset That Their Commentators Keep Suffering Consequences For Being Awful

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

New York City, NY—

Fox News opinionator Laura Ingraham is the latest network personality to suffer consequences for saying terrible things.

After gleefully mocking high schooler and massacre survivor David Hogg for not getting accepted into his top choices of colleges, advertisers fled her show and Fox News sent her on a brief vacation from her show. Fox executives, however, are reeling from the endless controversies and advertising boycotts, and blame their network’s woes on snowflake liberals.

“America is turning soft,” said a Fox executive, who asked for anonymity to candidly and abrasively describe America. “It all started when women were allowed into the work force, and the country has gone downhill since. Fox having to hire women for roles other than eye candy has ruined our morale. We even have to let in ugly women now! And so what, Laura made fun of a teenaged mass shooting victim—what’s the big deal? These advertisers are wimps. They should just commit to Fox, and keep paying us no matter what we say or do. It’s an infringement on our First Amendment rights that they’re abandoning us. Private companies shouldn’t be allowed to decide on their own within the free market of advertising to not associate their brands with the toxic and unpopular messaging coming from our pundits’ mouths on a nightly basis. And, come on, making fun of a 17-year-old whose friends were murdered in front of him is hardly the worst thing we’ve ever done. Why are our advertisers fleeing Fox now when they stayed with us after we got caught repeatedly forcing our anchors to use focus group-tested, conservative-slanted talking points to intentionally skew our viewers’ perceptions of reality with irrational, hyper-partisan bias? Or when we got caught editing Fox-related Wikipedia pages about Fox employees? Or when we got busted repeatedly for editing pictures of liberal media people to make them look more Jewish? Or when a study found our viewers are less informed about politics than people who watch no news at all? Or when we got caught manipulating video footage to misrepresent crowd sizes at various conservative-aligned rallies and protests? How is Laura’s scandal bigger than any of those? I swear, snowflakes are ruining this country. And Fox’s profits! I’m sick of suffering consequences for easing up on journalistic professionalism. If you don’t like Fox, don’t watch us! But stop demanding our advertisers spend their marketing money conscientiously! It’s killing our bottom line! And we only have a few more years of dominating the ratings with our scared, old, racist white viewers anyway. Our business model is dying with them!”

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