Ted Cruz, Now Tied With Beto O’Rourke In Polls, Says He Regrets Inspiring Everyone To Hate Him

The following is an official public announcement from Ted Cruz’s reelection committee, Cruz’18:

“America, allow me a moment of your attention, please. I believe we may have gotten off to a bad start. Can we start over? I think once you actually get to know me, you’ll love me, like my human children do. I think I have been maligned by the media because I’m a proud conservative Texan. I think I deserve to win reelection. Why, you ask? Oh, well if you are curious, let me tell you.”

“My opponent Beto O’Rourke is not even Mexican like his nickname suggests. His real first name is Robert, and I believe he is merely pandering to Mexicans for their votes. He may have been called Beto since childhood, but maybe that’s because he’s been obsessed with winning the latino vote since he was a baby. It’s not that unbelievable, after all, I’ve been obsessed with being president throughout my entire existence, and have based every life decision I’ve ever made on whether or not it will help me become president, so maybe Beto is just as creepily ambitious as me. And a lot of people have been calling me a hypocrite because my real name isn’t actually Ted, but rather Raphael, but it’s a totally different situation. Way different. I’m a Republican! I can’t go around being called Raphael, or my white, subconsciously racist base would never vote for me. He’s a Democrat, so his base doesn’t have the same racial hangups. See how different it really is, even though if you think about it for more than a second it sounds like the exact same name situation? Who are you gonna believe, your critical thinking skills or me?”

“Now allow me to discuss my record. A lot of people over the years have accused me of shutting down the government in 2013 for personal political gain, but nothing could be further than the truth. I am totally against government shutdowns, except for that one time when I shut down the government singlehandedly and even Republicans started to hate me. But how else was I supposed to get my Tea Party credibility up nationally in order to run for president in 2016? Actually, now that I think about it, I should probably shut down the government again for a 2020 campaign. Hmm.”

“Anyway, allow me to respond to some of my detractors and defend myself. My colleague, Senator Lindsey Graham once said ‘If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.’ While that may be technically true, it is also more than technically illegal. So there. John McCain once called me a ‘whacko bird,’ but he’s getting up there in years and I don’t believe he is capable of adequately discerning the sanity of birds. So there. John Boehner once called me a ‘jackass,’ but if that were the case I’d be a Democrat, wouldn’t I? See? I can be funny. …Cause their mascot is a donkey! I don’t know why people think I’m not funny. My human children think I’m the funniest dad they’ve ever had. So there, Mr. Boehner! My former colleague Al Franken once said about me, ‘You have to understand that I like Ted Cruz probably more than my colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz.’ So see that? Irrefutable proof that people like me. Or at least one person. Ironically.”

“Anyway, please vote for me again this coming election. If I lose and get kicked out of Congress it’s going to be way harder for me to run for president, you know? So can you do a favor for ‘ol Raphael and vote Cruz in November? Oh, and can you not call me Raphael? Seriously, you don’t understand how much of my conservative Texan base votes for me because they don’t realize I’m hispanic. I can have a Hispanic last name, but two Hispanic names would ruin me!”

(Picture courtesy of Jamelle Bouie.)