Mike Pence Can’t Wait For Football Season To Start So He Can Sashay Away Out Of More Games


Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, Vice President Mike Pence “can’t wait” for the autumn and for the National Football League season to start so he can go to more NFL football games to “sashay away” dramatically when the players silently protest America’s racial animosity during the national anthem.

A VP aide, who requested anonymity, leaked to The Halfway Post a copy of a VP office memo Mr. Pence sent to his staff:


Re: Football Season is upooooon us

Hey all, I’m just sending out a reminder that the summer will pass by quickly, and before we know it we will be back in football season. Amen!

Last year we got some really great PR going to that Colts football game in Indianapolis, even though the whole thing was obviously staged and orchestrated as a cheap trick of political pandering to self-righteously patriotic racists.

So I say let’s go with what works, and stage walkouts in at at least three more football games this season. Let’s start planning now so everything goes smoothly in September and October.

Note to my stylist: get me several different scarfs of varying styles so I can practice swishing the scarf when I walk out of the games. I think that would catch people’s eyes more. I’ve been practicing a spin I might do during my walkouts with maybe some kind of a hand gesture, like jazz hands or something? Hmm. Jazz hands would be a little too much I think. Maybe like a little hand-gun gesture and a wink? I’ll think about it. Also, I want my Colts jersey to pop a little more. It’s just too bland. Why do women’s clothes get all the cool, flashy colors? Is there a way I can put sequins on my Colts jersey to make kind of like a fish scale effect? That would make me pop more on television when I dramatically look at the players with my eyes squinting a little bit and then I do my spin and walk down the aisle and out of the stadium. But would it be too feminine looking? It needs to look perfect because I’m only going to have like a minute to shine through these performances. Women have so much freedom with sartorial flair, and it’s so unfair. I hate wearing stuffy suits and ties all the time. Anyway, let’s meet up for brunch this Saturday and talk about all this. There’s this great place in Logan Circle with bottomless mimosas for $9. Let’s drink like five each until we start feeling slutty and just relax. I just need to do me for a day. This child-separation thing has really worn me out, and I already took a cheat day on Tuesday, but I need another. I’m dying for some breakfast biscuits and gravy. I’m dyyyyyying. Girl, get back at me and tell me we’re good for Saturday brunch. Okurrr.


(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)

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