Washington D.C.—
Dating is hard these days, but no one has it harder than guiltless, single, and lonely Trump Administration staffers looking for love in the capitol.
Being involved in the Trump presidency has become a major red flag for users of popular dating apps like Tinder, Grindr and Bumble, and Trump staffers are either quickly swiped left on if their jobs are listed in their bios or quickly ghosted once the topic of employment comes up in textual conversation. Meanwhile, the recent immigrant-babies-stolen-and-stuck-in-cages controversy is not making Trump staffers’ dating lives any easier.
“I don’t get it, I work in the White House and I thought that would be a major turn-on for girls,” explained Michael Wanda, 29, a Trump staffer who hasn’t been on a date with a female since Trump took office. “It’s like women believe Trump’s two dozen sexual assault victims or something. I think it’s very manly of Trump to grab women when he wants them, but apparently the 40,000 single women in the D.C. metropolitan area are snowflakes and don’t like the idea of the POTUS grabbing their private parts. I’d be totally honored if I was a chick. I can’t wait till sex robots are a little bit more realistic so I won’t need a real woman ever again.”
Some Trump staffers have expressed dissatisfaction with their involuntarily celibate status.
“If it were up to me, I’d be banging a different woman every day and I’d be totally happy, but these women are so neurotic around alpha-males like me,” insisted Todd Garpman, 31, another Trump staffer. “I’m an alpha male in every way except my sex life, and it doesn’t make sense. Every time I meet a woman things go great until I mention the fact that America should be a whites-only country. What am I doing wrong?”
Other Trump staffers believe women’s refusal to date them proves their opinions that women don’t belong in government.
“Why are women so emotional about these immigrant kids?” asked Joseph Haker, 36, a Trump staffer in the Department of Education. “It’s why women are weak. Personally, I love the audio tapes of these kids in detention centers crying. These Mexican three-year-olds missing their moms are such babies! This is why women shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the responsibilities of government! You get one crying baby and they all totally forget about keeping their country safe. That, and their menstrual cycles that turn them into hormonal freaks once a month when they don’t get pregnant. It’s like they’re only capable of thinking with their uteruses. These three-year-olds look like chubby, cute cherubs, but there’s no way to tell if they’re MS-13 gang lords or not. Every woman I’ve gone on a date with in the last year thinks these Hispanic toddlers are innocent victims, so I’m actually really glad none of them have ever agreed to a second date! Although, I haven’t used it in so long that I’m afraid it’s gonna fall off, if you know what I mean. Do you know any single women who like great, father-material guys like me?”
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(Picture courtesy of Ellie Nakazawa.)
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