“Why Won’t Women Date Me?” Asks Trump Staffers Who Cheer The Policy Of Immigrant Kids Being Lost Forever


Washington D.C.—

Dating is hard these days, but no one has it harder than guiltless, single and lonely Trump Administration staffers looking for love in the capitol.

Being involved in the Trump presidency has become a major red flag for users of popular dating apps like Tinder, Grindr and Bumble, and Trump staffers are quickly swiped left if their jobs are listed in their bios, or quickly ghosted once the topic of employment comes up in textual conversation. Meanwhile, the recent immigrant-babies-stolen-and-stuck-in-cages controversy is not making Trump staffers’ dating lives any easier.

“I don’t get it, I work in the White House and I thought that would be a major turn on for girls,” explained Michael Wanda, a Trump staffer who hasn’t been on a date with a female since Trump took office. “It’s like women are disgusted in a President who boasts to impress a C-list celebrity of regularly sexually assaulting married women or something. I think it’s awesome, but apparently the 40,000 single women in the D.C. metropolitan area are snowflakes and don’t like the idea of a 70-year-old man grabbing their private parts. I can’t wait till sex robots are a little bit better so I won’t need a real woman ever again. You know who love their private parts getting grabbed and aren’t total bitches about it? Nonliving, animated robots you can purely objectify without ever having to pretend to care about their feelings!”

Some Trump staffers have expressed dissatisfaction with their involuntarily celibate status.

“If it were up to me, I’d be banging a different woman every day and I’d be totally happy, but these women are so neurotic around alpha-males like me,” insisted Todd Garpman, another Trump staffer. “I’m an alpha male in every way except my sex life, and it doesn’t make sense. I thought women secretly loved being disrespected. Every time I meet a woman things go great until I casually mention that America would be great again if slavery came back, or that women should be conscripted into baby-making for the benefit of the state in producing as many aryan babies as possible. What am I doing wrong? Do these women really think they are equal to men, or am I the crazy one? I tell you what, American women peaked in 1919 and have been declining with every election they’ve voted in.”

Other Trump staffers suspect the Administration’s immigration policies are making their dating opportunities even more scarce.

“Why are women so emotional about these immigrant kids?” asked Joseph Haker, a Trump staffer in the Department of Justice. “It’s why women are weak. Personally, I love the audio tapes of these kids at the border and in detention centers crying. These Mexican three-year-olds missing their moms are such babies! This is why women shouldn’t be allowed to be in government: you get one crying baby and all the women in the country totally forget about keeping their country safe. These three-year-olds look cute and chubby, but they’re MS-13 gang lords. It’s all a ruse for their immigrant families to come into America, start lives here, and live their lives in peace with opportunity for the future. We can’t allow that kind of organized crime mentality! And yet I haven’t used it in so long that I’m afraid it’s gonna fall off, if you know what I mean. Do you know any single women who like great guys like me?”


(Picture courtesy of Ellie Nakazawa.)

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