CEO Rewards Himself With $20 Million Bonus For Raising Profits By Cutting Minimum Wage Workers’ Breaks

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Arnoldine, TX—

A billionaire CEO of a metalworking factory in Arnoldine, Texas, has earned the ridicule and protests of his workers for cutting their health benefits and the number of breaks per shift they get in order to raise profits, and then giving himself those $20 million in raised profits as a personal bonus.

“These workers are so lazy,” explained the CEO, who is now facing a factory-wide strike because of his major dick move. “I give them the full minimum wage as mandated by the law, but they’re always asking for more. They don’t understand that I’m the one who gives value to this company. It’s my decisions up in my office while I sit there all day that make this company profitable, even if my employees are technically doing all the manual labor that facilities the profits. But I’m the only one here who is smart enough to tell them to eat lunch while still working, and mandate they get one bathroom break all day so that productivity dips as few minutes as possible. They’d never come to that decision on their own because they’re selfish—they never even consider how big my bonuses could be! Therefore, if I’m able to squeeze extra production-value out of them like wringing a sponge, I deserve all the rewards. That’s the beauty of capitalism. If they don’t like it they can go somewhere else. Well, not in this town, because this is a dying ex-suburban enclave dependent on my family’s factory for the last five decades, but that’s not my problem. The fact is that I have no moral responsibility to take care of my employees. Business is business! That was the mistake my grandfather and dad made when they founded this company and grew it. They used to treat the workers here very well with good benefits and high pay, and that’s why when I was growing up we only went on one major vacation a year. My grandfather even used to give his employees a pension. Ha! What a stupid, idiotic thing to do. He wanted his employees to like him! How quaint. My grandfather could have been much richer if he wasn’t so bogged down with emotional attachment to his workers’ standard of living, and their kids getting to go to college, and all that crap. But I’ve set things straight. I get to go on vacation every month because I cut out all the wasteful benefits these employees don’t deserve. And I make so much extra profit when I’m here behind my wall of camera monitors and yell at them over the intercom for wasting my money when I see one of them take a moment to stretch or yawn. I’m such an effective manager that this factory runs really well when I’m not here at all for weeks at a time. And that’s all thanks to me, not these lazy louts who are striking because they supposedly can’t support their families anymore. You know, since I took over for my dad fifteen years ago, our productivity has gone up 35% while I cut wages 20% by slashing everyone to minimum wage, ending all salaries, and picking the cheapest healthcare plan in the book. I wanted to cut the healthcare benefits entirely, but my wife wouldn’t let me. She’d never be a good businesswoman. Not like me. I’m a genius. The proof is in the pudding because I have tens of millions of dollars I will never be able to spend in my life—I’m rich! But if I turn soft and start helping my workers have better lives now I’ll never get to be a billionaire. That’s what the American dream is all about!”

Tommy Washburn, 63, an employee at the factory, was asked what he thought of his boss, and offered an articulate reaction to his striking coworkers.

“Yeah, a group of older employees who used to work for his granddad and were retired had to go back to working because this f***er ended their pension payments. Tonight they’re going to kidnap him and beat him until he signs a contract selling the company to the factory staff to share ownership and start giving everyone a slice of the profits. These older guys are going to take one for the team and accept the jail time for everyone else to be free of that sociopath. They’ve been reading up on the history of socialism from the 1880s to the 1910s  and, you know, violence against employers used to be a much more common thing. Workers used to be treated barely better than slaves, and socialist campaigning got them an 8-hour work day, weekends, safety regulations, unions, collective bargaining, and so on. Those reforms are pretty much what convinced workers back then to stop breaking into their bosses’ homes at night and killing them in front of their families. That kind of thing used to happen a lot. We loved this asshole’s dad and granddad because they treated us workers with respect, but he’s an entitled, third-generation rich psychopath. And this problem is kind of a national problem right now with America’s economic inequality. A socialist revolution doesn’t have to be inevitable, but this nation’s superrich are asking for it with their unadulterated douchery, you know?”

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(Picture courtesy of Pictures of Money.)

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