CEO Rewards Himself With $20 Million Bonus For Raising Profits By Cutting Minimum Wage Workers’ Breaks


Arnoldine, TX—

A billionaire CEO of a metalworking factory in Arnoldine, Texas, has earned the ridicule and protests of his workers for cutting their health benefits and the number of breaks per shift they get in order to raise profits, and then giving himself those $20 million in raised profits as a personal bonus.

“These workers are so lazy,” explained the CEO, who is now facing a factory-wide strike because of his major dick move. “I give them the full minimum wage as mandated by the law, but they’re always asking for more. They don’t understand that I’m the one who gives value to this company. It’s my decisions up in my air-conditioned office while I sit all day that make this company profitable, even if my employees do literally everything that facilitates profit. But I’m the only one here who is smart enough to tell them to eat while working, and mandate they get one bathroom break all day so that productivity dips as few minutes as possible. They’d never come to that decision on their own because they’re selfish—they never even consider how big my bonuses could be! Therefore, if I’m able to squeeze extra production-value out of them like wringing a sponge, I deserve all the rewards. That’s the beauty of capitalism. If they don’t like it they can go somewhere else. Well, not in this town, because this is a dying ex-suburban enclave dependent on my family’s factory for the last five decades, but that’s not my problem. The fact is that I have no moral responsibility to take care of my employees. Business is business! That was the mistake my grandfather and dad made when they founded this company and grew it, respectively. They used to treat the workers here very well with good benefits and high pay, and that’s why when I was growing up we only went on one major vacation a year. My grandfather even used to give his employees a pension. Ha! What a stupid, idiotic thing to do. He wanted his employees to like him! How quaint. My grandfather could have been much richer if he wasn’t so bogged down with emotional attachment to his workers’ standard of living, and their kids getting to go to college, and all that crap.. But I’ve set things straight. I get to go on vacation every two months because I cut out all the stupid crap these employees don’t deserve. And when I’m here I really don’t even do anything. I just sit behind my wall of camera monitors and yell at them over the intercom for wasting my money when I see one of them take a moment to stretch or yawn. It’s kind of amazing because this factory runs really well when I’m not here at all. And that’s all thanks to me, not these lazy louts who are striking because they can’t support their families anymore. You know, since I took over for my dad fifteen years ago our productivity has gone up 35% while I cut wages 20% by slashing everyone to minimum wage, ending all salaries, and picking the cheapest healthcare plan in the book. I wanted to cut the healthcare benefits entirely, but my wife wouldn’t let me. She’d never be a good businesswoman because she has too much heart. Not like me. I’m a genius. The proof is in the pudding because I have tens of millions of dollars I will never be able to spend in my life—I’m filthy rich! But if I turn soft and start helping my workers have better lives now I’ll never get to be a billionaire. That’s the real American dream: fucking over everyone who’s not you!”

Tommy Washburn, an employee, was asked what he thought of his boss, and offered an articulate reaction to his striking coworkers.

“Yeah, a group of older employees who used to work for his granddad and were retired had to go back to working because this fucker ended their pension payments, and now they’re going to kidnap the boss and beat him until he sells the company to the factory staff to share ownership and give everyone a share in the profits. These older guys are going to take one for the team and accept the jail time for everyone else to be free of his tyranny. They’ve been reading up on the history of socialism from the 1880s to the 1910s  and, you know, this kind of worker reaction to workplace brutality used to be a more common thing. Workers used to be treated as little better than slaves, and socialism got them an 8-hour day, weekends, safety regulations, unions and collective bargaining, and so on, and that’s what convinced workers back then not to break into their bosses homes at night and kill them in front of their families. Murder of bosses used to happen, you know. This whole situation was pretty avoidable, and all this asshole had to do was adequately reward us for our labor and honor our humanity. We loved this guy’s dad and granddad, but he’s an entitled, third-generation rich bitch. If America’s capitalists don’t want to be killed and eaten, they should probably start voluntarily doing something about the preposterous level of economic inequality that is currently suffocating America. Just saying… a socialist revolution doesn’t have to be inevitable, but this nation’s superrich are asking for it with their unadulterated douchery.”

(Picture courtesy of Pictures of Money.)

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