President Donald Trump told The Halfway Post in a brief morning interview today that he “was really sick of people filming him secretly.”
“Honestly, maybe it’s my fault, though,” Trump continued. “I know I talk a lot about myself, sociopathically some would say, but maybe my rhetorical self-fellatio distracts me from noticing things in my surroundings—like cameras. I’m really disappointed in Michael Cohen and Vladimir Putin for taking advantage of my trust. The crimes I disclosed to Michael were secret, and no one was supposed to know about them. Especially not American voters. And I don’t know what was going on in Vlad’s head. He told me I was totally off the grid in that Moscow hotel room with the pee stuff and the n-word screaming, but he was filming me the whole time. And now’s he’s over there in Russia kompromatting me, and everyone’s laughing at me. So that’s why I’m flirting with the idea of going to war in Iran. I need a distraction. Cause it’s looking like my trade war is turning out to be pretty awful luck. I only did it because all the Democrats and all the economists and all my advisers told me not to start putting tariffs on Canadian and Chinese stuff—so it’s their fault. They should have known their unanimous consensus would make me want to do the opposite!”
President Trump then spent 46 minutes reading aloud to us a dozen poems he had composed about his 2016 Electoral College victory over Hillary Clinton, one of which referenced bizarrely his daughter Ivanka‘s “blossoming into a woman” in a gratuitous, beatnik-like ode.