Fox News’ Only Advertiser Left Is A Survival Supplement Pill Sean Hannity Owns Half Of

New York City

Fox News has suffered costly boycotts in the media and in its marketing, and is reportedly desperate for advertising client leads.

The only advertiser left is the maker of “Survival Beans,” an FDA-unapproved diet supplement of which Fox personality Sean Hannity is co-owner.

To try and reverse these negative trends, Mr. Hannity and fellow pundit Tucker Carlson have launched a live weekly series called The Sean & Tucker Show on Sunday nights aimed at generating called-in business referrals from “faithful Fox viewers” who might know of family members or friends who “would be interested in the limited-time offer of advertising on Fox.”

The special television events are like public broadcasting fundraising telethons, and several Fox executives have admitted that Fox News is essentially donor-funded at this point. They also admitted the irony of the financial situation given Fox‘s rabidly capitalist ideology now juxtaposed with the fact that Fox is basically panhandling during its weekend programming.

In the Fox telethons, the two hosts’ schtick consists of Carlson mocking the brain size of female Democrats in Congress while Hannity explains what, if those female Democrats were members of al-Qaeda, their “Muslim names” would be.

The fundraiser lasts an hour, and the last segment is an airing of a message from Fox’s Vice President Sean Davies:

“If your products’ target audiences are old, white people who self-identify as racists, born-again Christians, or coal-mining enthusiasts, come advertise on Fox News! We’ve got them brainwashed right where we want them! They’re total lemmings ready for whatever cheap scam you want to sell them! Look, we’re live right now. They’re listening to this. They just heard me call them idiot lemmings. They’re confused, and they’re scratching their heads. Now, watch this: Hillary! Emails! Benghazi! And they’re back with us! That’s literally all it takes to turn their goldfish brains! Watch this: Hey, you geezers! A.O.C is going to turn your kids into Hitler environmentalist evolution hoaxers! See? They’re not going anywhere until they die in their easy chairs. I promise all the potential advertisers out there that you will get some bang for your buck here. So hurry up, you do not want to miss this offer of a lifetime, and these people don’t have much longer! Their constant fear of urbans sneaking into their suburban neighborhoods or moving into a house on their block has really worn down their hearts, and their medical ailments are stacking up weekly! So yeah, all you advertisers, if you want to sell your shit to these mental hillbillies, they’re all yours! Seriously. We really need the money. Every advertiser has abandoned us except that weird pillow guy. And Sean Hannity’s scam pills. Our lawyers say we are legally required to recommend no one buy those. But please. We are begging you. Give us some money. Just $100. Or $10. Whatever you have. Between Carlson, Pirro, Hannity and Ingraham we’re, like, always getting sued. And don’t even get me started on the years of sexual harassment lawsuits we’re still paying for. We really need some cash flow. Like, the hush money is off the charts. Let’s just say you don’t ever want to walk around the Fox News studios with a black light.”

After The Sean & Tucker Show, Fox’s programming features an hour-long segment of Steve Doocy reading Ayn Rand novels to elementary schoolers while Jesse Watters asks the non-white students if their parents are on food stamps.

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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