Fox News’ Only Advertiser Left Is A Survival Supplement Pill Sean Hannity Owns Half Of

New York City

Fox News has suffered disastrous boycotts in the media and in marketing, and is reportedly desperate for advertising client leads.

The only advertiser left is the maker of “Survival Beans,” an FDA-unapproved diet supplement of which Fox personality Sean Hannity is co-owner.

To try and reverse these negative trends, Mr. Hannity and fellow political conspiracist Tucker Carlson have launched a live weekly series on Sunday nights aimed at generating called-in business referrals from “faithful Fox viewers” who might know of family members or friends who “would be interested in the limited-time offer of advertising on Fox.”

The special television events are like public broadcasting fundraising telethons, and several Fox executives have admitted that Fox News is essentially donor funded at this point. They also admitted the irony of the financial situation given Fox’s rabidly capitalist ideology juxtaposed with the fact that Fox is basically panhandling during its weekend programming.

In the Fox telethons, the two hosts take turns holding a microphone, and their schtick consists of Tucker Carlson mocking the brain size of female Democratic leaders in Congress while Sean Hannity explains what, if those female Democrats were members of al-Qaeda, their “Muslim names” would be.

The Tucker-Sean Show, as they call it, ends after fifty-two minutes, and the last segment is an airing of a repeating message from Fox Vice President Sean Davies:

“If your products’ target audiences are old white people who self-identify as racists, born-again Christians, or coal mining enthusiasts, come advertise on Fox News! We’ve got them brainwashed right where we want them! They’ll literally never change the channel. They’re total lemmings. Look, we’re live right now. They’re listening to this. They just heard me call them idiot lemmings. They’re confused. Now, watch this: ‘Obama was a neo-colonialist, reverse-racist communist—Hillary! Her emails!’ And…they’re back. That’s literally all it takes. oooh, Hey, you geezers: A.O.C is gonna turn your kids into Hitler environmentalist evolution hoaxers! See? They’re not going anywhere until they die in their easy chairs. You will get some bang for your buck here. And hurry up, don’t miss this offer. These people don’t have much longer! Their constant fear of black and brown people has really worn down their hearts! So yeah, all you advertisers, if you want to sell your shit to these mental hillbillies, they’re all yours! Seriously. We really need the money. Every advertiser has abandoned us except that weird pillow guy. And Sean Hannity’s scam pills. We are legally required to recommend no one buy those. But please. We are begging you. Give us some money. Just $100. Between Carlson and Pirro, and Hannity and Ingraham we’re, like, always getting sued. Like, literally, this channel should just get all new people. But we’re sticking with these walking, talking, personified hate crimes because Murdoch likes them. And, let me tell you, you have literally no idea how much money this network has shelled out in secret sexual harassment suits. We really need some cash flow. Like, the hush money is off the charts. The lawsuit against O’Reilly is only the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just say you don’t ever want to walk around Fox News with a black light.”

The programming then turns to an hour-long segment in which Steve Doocy reads Ayn Rand novels to elementary schoolers while Jesse Watters asks the non-white students if their parents are on food stamps.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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