New York City
In a Q&A today with the digital magazine Celebrities’ Children, Donald Trump Jr. revealed that his favorite musical group of all time is Nickelback.
“I don’t know, just something about their lyrics really speaks to me on a subconscious level,” Trump Jr. said. “I know they’re the most hated band in the world, and are often smeared in the musical press as ‘objectively terrible,’ but I really like that underdog quality they have. They remind me of myself. I mean, I’ve been an underdog my whole life. I can never fully escape my dad’s gigantic shadow because I’m a Junior. I wish my dad had named me something cool, like ‘Lance Thunderpec.’ My destiny is inextricably linked with his life, and he’s literally the President of the United States. Like, come on Dad. But, if you hadn’t noticed, things aren’t going that great with our current legal predicaments. Maybe when he’s ruined I can rise like a fiery phoenix from the ashes. I could so do it, too. Like when I get out of jail after all the treason stuff.”
Donald Jr. then compared his life to Nicklelback’s musical career.
“Like Nickelback,” he said, “I’ve actually accomplished a lot despite being bullied because of my money and my suave good looks. With just a little trust fund of a few hundred million dollars, I’ve saved and saved, and I haven’t lost it all. Like, when my dad was my age, he had already declared a bankruptcy already. Take that, Dad. And do you realize how fast I rose to one of the top ranks of the Trump Organization? I got promoted right after college. My internship was literally being named one of the top executives. Deep end swimming kind of stuff. Because of my position at the Trump Organization, you can tell how smart and quick at learning I am. How many people can say that they helped manage a billion dollar company while still in their twenties? And I did it all by myself. I just worked crazy hard for a few hours after I graduated from college, and my dad promoted me all the way to the top. Me being the son of the boss had nothing to do with it. America is a meritocracy. And that’s why the people who get to the top deserve to never be investigated by the government, sued, or talked negatively about in the press. Otherwise, what do you have? Socialism, that’s what.”
Donald Jr. explained that his favorite songs by Nickelback included “Photograph,” “Rockstar,” and “How You Remind Me.”
“Photograph may be my favorite song of all time,” Donald Jr. continued. “I have so many photographs that I also laugh at every time I look at them, just like the lyrics mention. There’s this one photograph where my father looks totally furious, and he’s pointing his finger at Eric and you can totally tell Eric is in trouble. It makes me laugh because that’s sooo my dad. He’s always yelling at us and calling us ‘stupid,’ or ‘idiots,’ or ‘regrets.’ It’s how he shows his affection. And don’t even get me started on the Chad Kroeger cover of ‘Hero’ from the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movie. Chad Kroeger is, like, my spirit animal. You know, that movie just captured the soul of America after 9/11, and I think made us all want to strive to be heroes. I think I would make a great Spider-Man. I have street smarts, but also book smarts because I’m so successful in business. And, honestly, I never even read the business textbooks at uni. Growing up with my dad taught me more than anything a book could say. Maybe he wasn’t home a lot as a kid, but he’d always call us on our birthdays and stuff, and ask if any of the kids at school were talking about him, or mentioning how hot my new step-mom Marla Maples was. He took an interest in our lives, and loved looking through our school yearbooks with us at the start of every summer to help us rate how hot all the girls in our school were. Honestly, I wish he had been around more, but he was just always so busy with work. And the divorces and stuff made it really hard on us. My therapist said he’s the textbook example of a terrible parent, and that his domineering, malignant narcissism is the cause of why I have such bad anxiety that several times a week I wake up in the middle of the night having terror nightmares of my dad berating me in public places in front of everyone I really want to respect me, but that textbook was probably written by college-brainwashed experts and fake news liberals so I don’t know what to believe.”