God Admits His Omniscience Means Humans Don’t Actually Have Free Will


The Halfway Post hasn’t heard from God in a while, so we called Him up to check in.

The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity:

THP: So, God, what’s going on?

GOD: I was feeling like a day of rest, so I kicked back, got an 18-pack of Stag, and watched the Trump impeachment coverage.

THP: How do you think it will turn out?

GOD: Ha! That’s a great joke! I know exactly how it’s going to turn out! I’m God!

THP: Would you like to give us a clue?

GOD: I’ll tell you what, Eric is the only one of Donald Trump’s first litter of kids who isn’t going down. At least not yet. In a few years he’ll get caught up in a Russian money laundering and tax evasion scheme. It will be awesome. The Feds will bust through the door while he’s in the middle of a golden shower with Russian hookers. Ah…like father like son.

THP: And there’s nothing he can do about it even if he reads this interview?

GOD: Of course not! Him trying not to do it would create the very circumstances in which he does do it! How’s that for predestination?

THP: So do we have free will at all?

GOD: Well… ah screw it! Of course not! I know everything and control everything. Nothing happens that I don’t choose. You hairless monkeys are slaves to My molecular and chemical machinations. I’m the one with freewill! And let Me tell you, freewill coupled with omnipotence is awesome! Yesterday I ground up and snorted an asteroid made of cocaine, and then created a set of boobs the size of Jupiter. You ever motorboated a whole planet? Ha! Of course not!

THP: If You know everything that is going to happen already, why were You watching these impeachment proceedings on television?

GOD: Because Jim Jordan took on a starring role, and if I may brag for a moment, Jim Jordan is one of My favorite creations of all time. I love to watch that guy in action. He is literally the biggest douche in the universe. Entire universe. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally intervene at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting. Oh, and spoiler alert: he definitely knew those wrestler kids were being fondled. That guy lies like he’s addicted to lying! I can’t get enough of him. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for an hour. Jim Jordan is a magnificent douche. In a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Jim Jordans. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to eat each other. I love watching Jim Jordans choke themselves to death and then gnaw on each others’ bones. What douches. I wish you could see it. Actually, you know what? I’ll let you see it.

[At this point our Halfway Post reporter was teleported to the planet of Jim Jordans, and watched whole herds of them fighting free-for-all battles to the death. Jim Jordan body parts were everywhere and rivers of Jim Jordan blood flowing for millennia had carved the geography of the planet into massive red-stained canyon systems. The beautiful douchery brought a tear to our reporter’s eye.]

Thanks for the interview God.

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(Picture courtesy of Ted Van Pelt.)

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