God Admits His Omniscience Means Humans Don’t Actually Have Free Will

(Picture courtesy of Ted Van Pelt.)


The Halfway Post hasn’t heard from God in a while, so we called Him up to check in.

The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity:

THP: So, God, what’s going on?

GOD: I was feeling like a day of rest, so I kicked back, got an 18-pack of Stag, and watched the Trump impeachment coverage.

THP: How do You think it will turn out?

GOD: Ha! That’s a great joke! I know exactly how it’s going to turn out! I’m God!

THP: Would You like to give us a clue?

GOD: I’ll tell you what, Eric is the only one of Donald Trump’s first litter of kids who isn’t ultimately going to prison for the Trump presidency. The impeachment will be a dud, but the Trumps will get theirs soon enough. And Eric won’t be safe for long. In a few years he’ll get caught up in a Russian money laundering and tax evasion scheme of his own. It’ll be awesome. The Feds will bust through the door while he’s in the middle of a golden shower with Russian hookers. Ah… like father like son.

THP: And there’s nothing he can do about it even if he reads this interview?

GOD: Of course not! Him trying not to do it would create the very circumstances in which he does do it! How’s that for predestination?

THP: So do we have free will at all?

GOD: Well… ah screw it! Of course not! I know everything, and control everything. Nothing happens that I don’t choose. You hairless monkeys are slaves to My molecular and chemical machinations. I’m the only entity with free will! And let Me tell you, free will coupled with omnipotence is awesome! Yesterday I ground up and snorted an asteroid made of cocaine, and then created a set of boobs the size of Jupiter. You ever motorboated a whole planet? Ha! Of course not!

THP: If You know everything that is going to happen already, why were You watching these impeachment proceedings on television?

GOD: Because Jim Jordan took on a starring role, and, if I may brag for a moment, Jim Jordan is one of My favorite creations of all time. I love to watch that guy in action. He is literally the biggest douche in the universe. Entire universe. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally intervene at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting like an atom bomb. Oh, and spoiler alert: he definitely knew those wrestler kids were being fondled. That guy lies like he’s addicted to lying! But he’s great entertainment. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for an hour. Jim Jordan is a magnificent douche. In a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Jim Jordans. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to fight and eat each other. I love watching Jim Jordans choke each other out, and gnaw on each other’s bones, and wear each other’s faces as war masks, and sleep in each other’s hollowed out bodies for warmth at night. What douches. I wish you could see it. Actually, you know what? I’ll let you see it.

[At this point our Halfway Post reporter was teleported to the planet of Jim Jordans, and watched whole herds of them fighting free-for-all battles to the death. Jim Jordan body parts were everywhere, and rivers of Jim Jordan blood flowing for millennia had carved the geography of the planet into massive red-stained canyon systems. The beautiful douchery brought a tear to our reporter’s eye.]

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