Heaven—
The Halfway Post hasn’t heard from God in a while, so we called Him up to check in.
The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity:
THP: So, God, what’s going on?
GOD: I was feeling like a day of rest, so I kicked back, got an 18-pack of Stag, and watched the Trump impeachment coverage.
THP: How do You think it will turn out?
GOD: Ha! That’s a great joke! I know exactly how it’s going to turn out! I’m God!
THP: Would You like to give us a clue?
GOD: I’ll tell you what, Eric is the only one of Donald Trump’s first litter of kids who isn’t ultimately going to prison for the Trump presidency. The impeachment will be a dud, but the Trumps will get theirs soon enough. And Eric won’t be safe for long. In a few years he’ll get caught up in a Russian money laundering and tax evasion scheme of his own. It’ll be hilarious. The Feds will bust through the door while he’s in the middle of a golden shower. Ah… like father like son. Only Eric will be golden showering all by himself.
THP: And there’s nothing Eric can do to prevent that from happening even if he reads this interview?
GOD: Of course not! Eric trying not to do it would make him stumble into the very circumstances in which he does do it! How’s that for predestination?
THP: So do we have free will at all?
GOD: Well… ah screw it! Of course not! Do the math and logic, I know everything and control everything. Nothing happens that I don’t choose. You hairless monkeys are pitiful slaves to My atomic, chemical, and molecular machinations. I’m the only entity with free will! And let Me tell you, free will coupled with omnipotence is awesome! Yesterday I made Ted Cruz’s nose bleed for 45 minutes, and then let his finger slip on his phone so he accidentally “hearted” another porn video he was watching on Twitter. Even with omnipotence I can’t get enough of Ted Crus humiliating himself.
THP: If You know everything that is going to happen already, why were You watching these impeachment proceedings on television?
GOD: Because Jim Jordan took on a starring role, and, if I may brag for a moment, Jim Jordan is My second favorite creation of all time behind Ted Cruz. I love to watch Jim Jordan in action. He is literally the biggest douche in the universe. Entire universe. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally intervene at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting like an atom bomb. Oh, and spoiler alert: he definitely knew those wrestler kids were being fondled. That guy lies like he’s addicted to lying! But he’s great entertainment. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for hours. Jim Jordan is a spectacular, magnificent douche. In a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Jim Jordans. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to fight and eat each other. I love watching Jim Jordans strangle each other. It never gets old. It’s a majestic sight to see whole herds of feral Jim Jordans gnaw on each other’s bones, and wear each other’s faces as war masks, and sleep in each other’s hollowed out bodies for warmth at night. What douches. I wish you could see it. Actually, you know what? I’ll show you!
[At this point our Halfway Post reporter was teleported to the planet of Jim Jordans, and watched millions of them fighting free-for-all battles to the death. Jim Jordan body parts were everywhere, and rivers of Jim Jordan blood flowing for millennia had carved the geography of the planet into massive, red-stained canyon systems. Different subgroups of Jim Jordans had evolved, with some Jim Jordans being ferocious predators favoring the taste of fresh Jim Jordan flesh, while other meek Jim Jordans, whose eyes had adapted to be on the sides of their head like prey to scan the horizon and flee at the first sign of danger, were merely scavengers picking at leftover Jim Jordan carcasses left behind by the more dominantly carnivorous Jim Jordans. Another fascinating subgroup of Jim Jordans filled the niche dung beetles fill here on Earth walking around rolling balls of Jim Jordan dung six feet in diameter taking bites out of them every few meters. The most advanced Jim Jordans had entered the Bone Age, and had learned to make spear and knife weapons out of sharpened Jim Jordan ribs, femurs, tibias, and fibulas. Occasionally a particularly clever Jim Jordan would craft a primitive trebuchet with bones and rope made of tendons, and collect decapitated Jim Jordan heads to launch at unsuspecting Jim Jordans from quite a safe distance. The sublime douchery of it all brought a tear to our reporter’s eye.]
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