Heaven—
The Halfway Post reached out to Jesus this morning to ask if He had any big plans for His birthday this year, and Jesus didn’t know what we were talking about.
“What the f***?” Jesus exclaimed. “I wasn’t born on December 25th! I wasn’t born in December at all! I’m a March baby. Pisces all the way! That’s why My sign is the fish symbol. A bunch of idiot early Christian Romans just made up my birthday being in December so they could convince a bunch of pagans that converting to Christianity wouldn’t interfere with their awesome gift-giving, tree-decorating, winter celebrations of Saturnalia! The whole Christmas thing is basically a scam that would have been nipped in the bud if pagans had had any trademark laws. You know I wasn’t even the first immaculate conception? Zoroaster was virgin-birthed 1,000 years before Me in Iran, and that Aztec bird dude Quetzalcoatl was My brother-from-another-virgin. God kind of copycatted around a bit. I’m not even the first immaculate conception in the Judeo-Christian tradition. Remember Isaac from the Old Testament? He was miraculously birthed because Sarai was infertile. Ring a bell? And besides the four of us, there were miraculous virgin births in Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, China, Japan, Mongolia, Egypt, Greece, and even the Huron people of Native America. You know, if you think there couldn’t possibly be this many virgin births, then you have to admit, statistically, that I’m likely one of the fake ones. I’ll let you in on a little historical mystery: look up ‘Jesus ben Pandera’ and see what you find! Ha! That’s right, did Joseph ever exist? Was Mary impregnated by a Roman soldier? Did the Jews who doubted I was a messiah make fun of Me because they knew I was a bastard child? Teehee, I’ll never tell! But for fun, go ahead and look in the Gospels! Only Matthew and Luke mention an alleged virgin birth! Nowhere else can you find immaculate conception mentioned in the New Testament! Maybe because those two Gospels were written way after the others, and they made it up to make Me seem more special while figuring out ways to Christ-ify Me like a game of mythological telephone! And then there’s Paul, who sure found a lot to write about in all his letters, but he never once mentioned Me not having a human dad! He also never even personally knew me, and was refuted by Disciple James in the Epistle of James for going around years after I died telling a bunch of Greeks they didn’t have to read the Torah or do Jewish good works to go to Heaven! Sorry to ruin Christmas for you… Not! It’s not even my f***ing real birthday!”
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