Washington D.C.—
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has just approved a new article of impeachment against President Donald Trump, this one citing his penchant for behaving like a “whiny little bitch.”
Democrats claim that President Trump is violating the 8th Amendment to the Constitution, which bars cruel and unusual punishment, and which Speaker Pelosi says credibly includes the cruel punishment Americans are subjected to every day Trump bitches about how unfair and mean everyone is to him.
“The President, quite frankly, does not act his age,” said Pelosi in a brief statement this morning. “And until he stops acting like a little boy, we’re going to treat him like a little boy. President Trump has not been told ‘no’ enough in his life, and right now Democrats are telling him no. I don’t even know why he’d care about being impeached and hopefully removed by the Senate. He can have all the temper tantrums he wants once he’s out of office. Just kidding, he’ll in jail for the rest of his life the minute he leaves the White House. There will be FBI officers waiting in Marine One for him. It’s not like he’s trying very hard at being President anyway, golfing every three days. Why can’t the President go be a whiny little bitch somewhere else other than the most important office on the globe?”
Mr. Trump tweeted the following response an hour later:
“Crazy Menopausal Pelosi needs a tampon ASAP! She’s a rabid dog who can’t handle how good looking and jenius I am. My middle initial of J stands for jenius! I’m the least whiny president, maybe of all time. And I’m not little! My fingers are perfectly proportional, like everything else!”
“What the terrorist Democrats don’t understand is how much winning I do for America when I’m golfing. I got Saudi Arabia to book all my DC hotel rooms for a whole month once while golfing! So much winning! Pelosi is just mad women aren’t good at golf! They’d get period blood all over the grass and ruin the course!”
“And Cryin’ Chuck Schumer is just mad I can beat him at golf. Tiger Woods said I’m the best golfer he’s ever seen, even better than him! He said it’s all the pro golfers talk about during tournaments. They say, ‘Boy am I glad President Trump isn’t here, cause then we’d all lose!’ So Nancy can stop being mean already. This impeachment is so unfair!”
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