Trump Says Bailouts For Golf Courses, D.C. Hotels & Florida Resorts Will Help Economy

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today unveiled a host of economic measures he said will help the American economy get through the societal shutdowns required to help stop the spread of coronavirus.

However, political pundits could not help but notice that most of the proposed economic bailouts would benefit Trump’s personal finances considering that Trump owns golf courses, a D.C. hotel, and the Florida-based resort Mar-a-Lago.

Mr. Trump took to Twitter to discuss the criticism of his economic stimulus plan in the following thread of tweets:

“America needs Congress to act now and pass a big, beautiful economic stimulus package! And what sector needs it the most? Big resorts, like in Florida, because they’re used to making a lot of profits and have a bunch of workers who make their owners a lot of money! I don’t want ANY resort owner to lose money, and it’s just a coincidence that I own a FL resort!”

“And same thing with my DC hotel! How can America be winning if our capital city goes bankrupt? This is not about me, no matter what the FAKE NEWS will say! I just don’t want DC to lose out on all the tax money it will make from so many Saudi, Turkish, and Russian oligarchs buying out whole floors of my hotel!”

“And the best part is that all those oligarchs don’t even use the rooms, so it’s not like they’re going to be coming from different places around the world and bringing coronavirus germs into America. The rooms never get used, they just send me beautiful letters of ideas on how to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN with specific foreign policy ideas. So it’s practically free money for DC!”

“And golf courses don’t count for the quarantine because golfers are always 6 feet away from each other. Some vermin journalists have asked why my course in Scotland will get a bailout, but that’s because I’m trying to sell them it! It’s not making me a profit, so if the Scots buy it, then America wins! And if it gets bailed out, America wins again because your President gets richer! Great news for the USA!”

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