Evangelicals Are Confident God Will Stop COVID-19 Just Like He Stopped Gun Violence

Baton Rouge, LA—

A local group of Evangelical Christians has gotten together to pray in order to convince God to take a break from his hard work ending gun violence in America to instead focus on stopping the spread of coronavirus.

“God has a master plan, and I’m sure He’s real busy working on solving our gun violence, mass murder and school shooting problems, but we just hope we can convince God to take a moment to apply that same mono-deity work ethic to stopping the coronavirus pandemic that’s looking like it’s going to lead to a lot of elderly deaths,” explained Paul Gossamer, 46. “We’re so thankful God listens to our prayers, and we’re very confident that coronavirus will be stopped in its tracks any day now.”

Other prayer group members agreed God would waste no time protecting the United States.

“God in His infinite power and love never lets bad things happen to America,” said Faith Loughlinger, 67. “And, when bad things do happen, the evil is directly traceable to libtards working with Satan to enslave us with communism. That’s why I’m totally against the government getting involved with this coronavirus stuff. Only Yahweh for me please! The libtards are saying if we have symptoms we should get tested, but they just want Trump to look bad. So I’m not going anywhere near a coronavirus test! I may be old, and I may have at least three underlying heart and respiratory conditions—that I’m aware of, because it’s been years since I’ve had any healthcare and been able to see a doctor—but even if I die I’d hate to be counted in with the coronavirus death statistics and potentially make the stocks go down and hurt Trump’s reelection chances. So no medical assistance for me, thank you very much liberals! I’d rather be dead than find out liberals have been right all these years when they say that government can be effective solving our problems! America is a capitalist nation, dammit, and I’m willing to die to prove the libs wrong about all their dumb ideas about science, microbiology, and socialized healthcare! But, regardless, I believe God is listening to our prayers, and he’ll stop Americans dying from the coronavirus just as effectively as he’s totally stopped Americans dying from gun violence!”

Other group members suspected a conspiracy.

“I wouldn’t be surprised at all if some of those radical climate change hoaxers have found a way to profit off of stopping coronavirus like they’ve found ways to make billions from calling for fossil fuel companies to pollute less!” exclaimed Martha Godfrey, 71. “The fossil fuel companies will never make as much money keeping car fuel standards low and blocking green initiatives as the insane amount of money climate change scientists make when they go to Greenland and write big government analysis reports about how fast all the glaciers are melting, so I’m sticking with Exxon-Mobil, Shell and BP! In fact, the more that America becomes afflicted with coronavirus and the more medical help that hundreds of thousands of people need, I bet the more money Obama is somehow making money off this with his CDC and healthcare teams of so-called experts who claim they know how to lessen the negative impact of pandemics! Good thing Trump fired all of them, and ripped up all the policy reports the Obama Administration compiled on how to deal with pandemics! Take that Obama! I’ll never let you help me live longer or give me a higher standard of living, you fascist Kenyan socialist communist!”

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