Washington D.C.—
According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump called Barack Obama yesterday and offered his predecessor a $1 million bribe to give a public press conference in which he would claim all responsibility for the alarming spread of coronavirus in the United States. One of Trump’s White House staffers recorded Trump’s end of the call on a recording app on his phone, and leaked the audio of Trump’s pleas to The Halfway Post:
“Hey Barack, how is everything? Just thought I’d call to see how you’re doing. Great. Great. Listen, as you’ve probably heard, we’ve got a bit of a coronavirus situation here. And I was hoping you’d be interested in a proposition I am prepared to make. I’d like you to come to the White House and help us out. You’re interested? Perfect, perfect. Okay, you’d just have to do a little press conference and say it was all your fault, and that you’re sorry for letting the American people down… No, why would I want your help on actually stopping the spread of coronavirus? … No, we don’t want people taking the tests! … Why? … But then our number of cases will go up! Do you know anything about dealing with pandemics? No tests! We want our number of confirmed cases to go down to zero. How are we going to do that if everyone starts taking the tests? … No tests! Do you know anything about math? Wow, I thought you were smarter than this. … Look, we just need a little press conference. Just a teeny-tiny one. Okay? All you have to do is look at the camera and say it was all your fault. Say you brought it with you from Kenya on accident or something. Can you do that for us? America needs you, Barack. I need you. I’ll tell you what, I’ll sweeten the deal. I’ll give you one million dollars to take all the blame. Okay? How about it? … Well, how about two million then? … Five? Ten? I’ll tell you what, how about twenty million dollars? … Okay, fine, you know what? I’ll have to make some calls to Russia, but I can probably do thirty. Thirty million dollars? … Come on. What’s the matter? Don’t you want to help America? This would be a huge help. … No, no tests! Stop saying we need tests! Look, my polls are tanking right now, and this would really turn things around for me. … Screw you! Just because of that I’m going to repeal Obamacare, for real this time! … You’re so unfair! Come on, man. Don’t you want to help America? Come on, dude! Just say it. Say it was your fault! … God, I hate you so much!”
Trump then slammed the phone down on his desk, crossed his arms tightly across his chest, and told his staff Obama would think about it.
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