Fox News Claims Donald Trump Does Not Poop, Invented Burgers

New York City, NY—

Fox News opinionator Heather Colt today delivered a controversial monologue on her show, Libs Ain’t Nothing, that many commentators compared to something political pundits would say in North Korea.

The following was her show’s closing statement after a segment about President Donald Trump’s approval ratings:

“Supreme President Donald Trump deserves no blame for the spread of coronavirus in America, folks. He would never let something like that happen to us willingly. The real culprit for the deadliness is liberals who worship the false idol of multicultural Jesus. Jesus was white, and libtards are endangering our society every time their mental image of Jesus Christ when they pray doesn’t have blonde hair, freckles, blue eyes, and maybe a slight sunburn because his skin was so white. So don’t blame Trump that God is angry. Trump’s approval ratings deserve to be in the high 90s. In fact, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t love Supreme President Donald Trump. I think the fake news media is inventing these low approval ratings for Trump because they can’t stand that everyone’s life is perfect now, and has been since the magical transformation of America on January 20, 2017 when Satan’s top lieutenant, Barack Obama, was replaced and instantly our economy turned from a total dump wasteland into the best ever of all time. All thanks to Trump’s genius. He turned America around, and, instantaneously, the black unemployment rate was the lowest it had ever been. All we needed was a white President to take over. And now America has made unimaginable progress. You know, I make a fat salary, and, honestly, I don’t know anyone who isn’t rich. So where are all these people with economic problems the Democrats are always talking about? As far as I’m concerned every American is rich. I see no evidence to the contrary. All the news anchors and opinion show hosts here at Fox have great health insurance. So who doesn’t have health insurance? It’s probably just more of CNN’s lies. CNN can’t stand how amazing the entire Trump family is. I mean, he invented burgers. You don’t get more American than that. Both hamburgers and cheeseburgers. He’s so smart he managed to improve upon his already perfect invention. And Supreme President Donald Trump has been blessed and ordained by God his entire life. Literally from the first second when he was born under a double rainbow. And Supreme Trump is always proving his perfection, time and time again. Yesterday, when he was golfing, he got 11 holes-in-one in a row. That just doesn’t happen if God is not using you as His vessel to carry out His will. And Trump doesn’t even poop. That’s how sacred his existence is. His body operates at 100% efficiency. There’s no waste, or grossness, or dirtiness. So liberals can ignore all the signs of Donald Trump’s godliness and holiness they want while praying to their brown, mixed, poor, communist, Muslim Jesus who doesn’t even own one gun, but the 99% rest of us patriotic Americans and us at Fox News will pray to Supreme President Donald Trump, thank you very much!”

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