Florida Man Blaming China For Eating Weird Animals Remembers He Eats Weird Animals

Tallahassee, FL—

A local man named Cleetus Hickins from Tallahassee today stood in front of a busy mall with a handmade sign that read “The Chinese Need To Stop Eating Weird Animals” when another Florida man reminded him that people in Florida eat weird animals, too.

“I realized I was looking pretty dumb standing there with the sign when that other feller reminded me I ate pretty weird shit, too,” said Hickens. “I was feeling pretty mad at China for starting the coronavirus with their Chinese hicks eating pangolins and bats and stuff, but now I guess I shouldn’t judge. Just this morning I mixed my turtle soup from supper the night before last with some skunk jerky and some possum chitterlings. Then, when I got that good and boiling, I threw in some frog legs, crawdads, shredded smoked alligator, and I’ve been having some ant infestation problems lately in my kitchen so I’m sure some of them crawled up in my stewpot. Then I cut up a snake and threw that in cause why not? I saved the skin of course, cause the skins can be used as condoms. And they’re reusable. Although I haven’t been getting any lately, cause my wife is being a total bitch. She got into an argument with her mom, and I took her mom’s side. But what does she expect me to do? I can’t tell my aunt she’s wrong when I know she’s right! So anyway, I’m going to start being nicer to them Chinese. Who knows, maybe the next coronavirus will get started in one of my stewpots!”

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(Picture courtesy of Joe Sepielli. The man in the photo is not the man described in the satirical article.)

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