St. Louis, MO—
A new poll conducted in association with several St. Louis-based universities has confirmed that supporters of President Donald Trump’s coronavirus efforts would not support President Barack Obama’s efforts, if he were president now, even if their actions were the exact same.
The Halfway Post reached out to several of the poll’s participants.
“Well, for starters, Obama hated America,” said Pierra Donnellson, 29. “So anything he’d do would be for the downfall of America in order to weaken our country enough for ISIS to sneak in and take dictatorial control. Unlike Trump, who loves America. In fact, I bet Trump waited so long to do anything about coronavirus because the first people to get it here in America were all undercover Muslim terrorists. And the states who shut down first were California and New York. No surprise there. Of course the globalist liberals would get it the worst at the beginning!”
Another Obama critic had a more startling take.
“I had great schooling, so I know all about politics,” explained Jefferson Weavil, 34. “And the fact is that Donald Trump has never failed at anything he’s ever done. He’s a super genius, so I have 100% faith in him. He’s had so many companies over the years, and never had to go bankrupt once for any of them! He’s smarter than me even, and I had the best home-schooling anyone could have up until I dropped out in the fourth grade to help raise the livestock at my Weavil family farm. The goats get rowdy, and they’re a full-time job. You have to break them in the hard way by laying with them like you would a woman. Now, I know what the Bible says, but the Bible ain’t ever seen stubborn goats like my family has. I’d like to see Jesus try to break them in without any genital stimulation, and, until Jesus does, I’m going to keep doing it the way my family’s been doing it for four generations! So I’m not worried about coronavirus. If my goats don’t have it, then I don’t have it. I never leave the farm. If Obama was still President, though, I’m sure I’d be long dead from the COVID. I hate Obama. I’ll admit it, I’m racist! I wanted to join the KKK, but they said I was too racist. Can you believe that? Is there such a thing as being too factually accurate about blanket statements on a whole race of people? So they kicked me out when I made a hole for my pecker in my Klan sheets, and they got all concerned I was gay and would try to seduce them. But they wouldn’t listen that it was for the goats!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!