Trump: “Trade Wars Are So Easy To Win… But I’m Going To Need Another 4 Years”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has been taking heat recently over America’s realization that he has not won the trade war against China yet.

“Trade wars are so incredibly easy to win,” Trump said in the summer of 2016 while on the campaign trail. “I could win trade wars with my eyes closed. China is a total joke! I could win a trade war against China if I was blind, deaf, half-starved, had no legs or arms, no ability to smell or taste, and even if I was a woman! I could beat them in a trade deal even if I was just starting off with one penny. That’s how great I am at deals! In fact, I guarantee that by May of 2020, I’ll have won ten trade wars against China! One hundred trade wars against the Chinese! That’s right, by the summer of 2020 I, Donald J. Trump, swear on my mother’s grave that I will have beaten China so badly in a trade war that they’ll pay off America’s entire debt. And pay off every American’s student loan debt and credit card debt. They’ll pay for an Obamacare replacement that will cover every American and everyone will love it! China will be so desperate for a truce in my epic trade wars that the Chinese will buy every American a mansion and a Lamborghini convertible! That’s how tremendous I am at dealmaking. If Hillary gets elected, you can kiss those Lamborghinis goodbye!”

Several political pundits in the media have pointed out that it is now May of 2020, and Trump’s predictions of his dealmaking prowess have not proven accurate. If anything, the pre-emptive tariffs he signed against China have made his trade war more difficult to win.

Trump today tweeted the following Twitter thread:

“I was literally one day away from signing the trade deal with China in which they agreed to buy every American a mansion, but then coronavirus happened! Can you believe the bad timing? I think China did COVID just to give themselves more time!”

“So give me 4 more years! I promise China will pay dearly. In fact, the mansions just got ten feet taller! They’re going to be the most beautiful mansions you’ve ever seen! Just give me a few more days after I win reelection, and I swear on my mother’s grave that we will win the trade wars! KAG!”

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