Breitbart Hired A Very Pro-Trump Writer Named John Barron

New York City, NY—

Breitbart, favorite media website of incels, neo-nazis and white supremacist sperm collectors, has just hired a brand new writer named John Barron.

This new writer is surprisingly pro-Trump, even for Breitbart. John Barron is, of course, the fake name President Donald Trump used in the 80s and 90s to cold call news companies and invent fake news about himself.

In all likelihood, this John Barron fellow is just Mr. Trump.

The following are things John Barron has written about Trump:

  • He’s never once dyed his hair.
  • He’s banged Chuck Schumer’s mom.
  • He regularly hazes Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan, and has made them do everything from wearing a diaper to drinking Diet Coke until they throw up.
  • Ivanka still calls him daddy.
  • So does Jared Kushner.
  • Eric is the least favorite.
  • Megyn Kelly once slipped him her phone number after a presidential debate.
  • Nancy Pelosi can’t handle her attraction to Trump, and only tried to impeach him because she’s playing hard to get.
  • He is in a group text chat with Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un.
  • Dr. Fauci told him he wished he was as healthy cardio-vascularly as Trump is.
  • He doesn’t wear any makeup, his skin is just really good at quickly soaking up a week’s worth of vitamin D when he’s outside between his Marine 1 helicopter and the White House door.
  • Kim Kardashian texts him late at night.
  • Kanye West gave him an official “Not Racist” card to carry in his wallet.
  • Obama called him and admitted that he thinks Trump is a way better President.

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