Washignton D.C.—
According to several employees at the US Postal Service, new director Louis DeJoy has ordered workers to eat any mail-in ballots they get from zip codes that typically vote for Democrats.
“DeJoy told us if we eat any votes we think might be for Joe Biden then there will be no proof they ever existed,” said one of the anonymous whistleblowers who reached out to The Halfway Post. “Then he showed us. It wasn’t even a vote, it was just a random piece of mail that looked like a telephone company bill. He put it in his mouth and started chewing as he explained that Donald Trump was really hoping to win this election with at least 90% of the vote. Then DeJoy pulled out a Taco Bell hot sauce packet from his pocket, tore the top, and squeezed it into his mouth. He kept chewing for five minutes until he could swallow the pulpy mess that used to be someone’s letter. He said his bowel movements have never been better since he switched from Metamucil to mail.”
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