John Bolton: “Trump Hates Angela Merkel Because His Hands Are Smaller Than Hers”

Washington D.C.—

John Bolton told Fox News today that the reason President Donald Trump hates German Chancellor Angela Merkel is because, when they shake hands, her hand fully engulfs his.

“This is actually why Trump hates most women in business and politics,” Bolton said to the hosts of Fox & Friends. “Merkel, Nancy Pelosi, Megyn Kelly, Rose O’Donnell, Carly Fiorina, they all have fingers longer than Trump’s porky little sausage fingers. He’s been very self-conscious of his dainty little fists his whole life, going back to when his father used to slap him around and laugh when little Donnie would try to fight back. His father would catch his tiny little fists and say that Donald would never be a real man. Explains a lot about his personality, doesn’t it? It’s also why he always got so upset every time Spy Magazine called him a ‘short-fingered vulgarian.’ It’s his biggest source of self-consciousness. You know, a lot of people think Trump hates Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen because she wouldn’t sell him Greenland, but their feud actually goes back to Trump’s first NATO summit meeting when she shook his hand and squeezed too hard. Trump let out a little yip of pain, and all the other NATO leaders saw it. Justin Trudeau, Emmanuel Macron, and Merkel all laughed at him. He fumed for the rest of the weekend, and that’s what made him decide to cut funding for NATO’s joint defense. He actually wanted to invade Greenland, and take it by force to get back at her for the emasculating handshake, but thankfully the military was able to talk him out of that one.”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!