Donald Trump Claimed His Thigh Gap Is Bigger Than Ivanka’s

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has once again commented on his daughter Ivanka’s physique, and his most recent appraisal of her body may be the first negative assessment he’s ever given her, though it was only in comparison to himself.

Trump took to Twitter to compare Ivanka’s thigh gap to his own in the following thread:

“Ivanka’s got a great thigh gap, one of the best of all time, and I’m a great judge because I’ve seen so many thigh gaps snooping in on Miss Universe pageant locker rooms. You can see thigh gaps much easier when girls are relaxed, so that’s why I like to come in unannounced and catch their thigh gaps unaware. Once they see me, they tense up and cover up! Not fun!”

“But my thigh gap is still unbeatable, even by Ivanka. The Fake News will claim I have ‘thunder thighs,’ but they’re just jealous of how thin and toned my legs are. Sean Hannity swears I should be an underwear model. A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m very flexible. If I didn’t go into business, my other dream was to be an Olympic gymnast.”

“I’ve always been very athletic, and I don’t let myself get too far out of shape. I’m never more than 2 hard workouts away from having a visible 6-pack again. I’d totally do it, but I’m not sure America could handle that much winning. Also, I’m afraid other foreign leaders wouldn’t take me seriously, and would objectify me for my body…”

“…Angela Merkel already can’t keep her hands off me when I’m at NATO or G7 meetings. But she’s only a 4 on a good day. A lot of people don’t know this, but most women leaders aren’t very hot. And they show so little cleavage. It’d be way less boring to listen to their speeches about refugees and global instability if they didn’t wear a bra or something.”

“That’s why I always bring Ivanka along. I try to raise the sex appeal of NATO cause it’s always a total sausage fest. Too bad NATO people never went to any of Jeffrey Epstein’s parties and took notes. He knew how to have fun. And it’s not like Europeans don’t have hot girls, I saw plenty of them at Jeffrey’s house. And I’m sure by now they’re all grown up!”

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